How Not to Apologize

In the leadership module that I teach at university, we place much emphasis on the ability to apologize, because people simply don't trust leaders who can't apologize. Also, they need to apologize correctly. That implies that there's a right and a wrong way to apologize.

And in private practice, when working with couples, I've often heard one of the gripes being the way the other person apologizes. The almost standard tagline is: "If she/he says it like this, they don't mean it." (The language is usually slightly more colorful.) Or, "If they say it like that, it's not an apology."

At work, and in our personal relationships, apologies can go wrong because our tone of voice or body language conveys reluctance to apologize. Not to even mention how wrong it can go in an email! The problem with the latter is that you can't see the person or hear them – all you can go by is the words and the tone of the email. (Yes, emails do have a tone of voice.)

Apology No-Nos and Do-Overs

While a sincere apology can repair damage to your relationships and reputation, a bad or false apology can fan the flames and do even more harm than the very thing you're apologizing for! So, here are some common apology mistakes, and how to avoid them:

Mistake 1: An apology with a "but" is not an apology – it's a justification or an explanation, and you're not likely to learn from the experience. "I'm sorry, but I was in a bad space," might sound like an apology, but it's a justification.

Instead, say, "I'm sorry for what I said/did. I was in a bad space, but that didn’t make it OK for me to put you on the receiving end. How can I make it up to you?"

Mistake 2: An apology that begins well but ends poorly is not an apology – it's often argumentative. "I'm sorry I did it. It happened because of how you spoke to me…" Can you hear the toxic cycle of a new argument being born here? I certainly can!

Instead, try: "I'm sorry I said that. Even though I didn't like your tone of voice, it wasn't necessary for me to react to it. How can we do it differently in future?" (We need to understand that it is a two-way street at times, without apportioning blame.)

Mistake 3: Then there's the old intent issue… "I'm sorry, it was never my intent to hurt you." I'm not sure what you're apologizing for if you say this. It wasn't your intent that hurt me – it was your action, and that's what you should be apologizing for. No one argued your intent.

It's more effective to say, "I'm sorry for what I did and that I caused you hurt. What can I do to make it better?"

Mistake 4: The passive–aggressive apology is particularly cruel. It may sound like this: "I'm sorry you feel that way." Here's the problem: you can't be sorry for how another person feels – it's a way of using the words "I'm sorry," but without any investment in the apology.

If you're truly sorry, say, "I'm sorry my words/actions had such an effect on you. I will be more aware of what I say and how I say it in future."

An apology needs to be sincere. It needs to show that the person apologizing is taking responsibility for what they did or said, showing remorse, and sharing how they intend to make amends going forward.

After the Apology

This might shock you: an apology is not enough. An apology is but the first step. After the apology, it's necessary to show, by how you speak and behave, that you're putting in the work to change.

An apology without change is lip service. I call it window-dressing. You want to make it look right without actually fixing it – that's a time-consuming and pointless exercise.

Being able to apologize sincerely, without getting defensive or huffy, is a sign of maturity and strength. It shows that you're not too big or important to be vulnerable, too.

So, just apologize – it'll take the sting out of it. (Thanks, Mom!)

Let's Continue the Conversation!

We'll be hosting an #MTtalk Twitter chat on Wednesday, June 19 @ 12 noon ET. Anyone can join! Follow us on Twitter, type #MTtalk in the Twitter search function, and click on "Latest" – you'll then be able to follow the live chat feed. You can participate chat by using the hashtag #MTtalk in your responses. 

On Thursday, June 20 at 11 a.m. ET, members of our Career Community Facebook group will be able to join a 20-minute Facebook live conversation and question session. 

Then on Friday, June 21, we will release a short coaching video on our Mind Tools Coaching Hub on LinkedIn which is exclusive to Mind Tools members.  

We'd love to hear from you in any of these channels. Please share your thoughts, anecdotes and ideas with us on the topic of apologies.

If you liked this blog, you may be interested in the following resources:

How to Apologize
Mutual Respect
Toxic: A Guide to Rebuilding Respect and Tolerance in a Hostile Workplace
Keeping Your Word at Work
8 Keys to Eliminating Passive-Aggressiveness
Authenticity

About the Author:

Yolandé has been part of the Mind Tools team since 2008 and she uses her 20+ years of experience as a therapist, coach, facilitator, and business school lecturer to help people develop their careers and live up to their potential. She thrives on facilitating conversations designed to build bridges between people by using creative questioning and thinking techniques. You might mistake her for a city girl, but Yolandé is an honorary game ranger, loves birding, archaeology, and spending time in the African bush. Early morning runs with her rottweiler and reading (a lot) are her favorite activities. And, her neighbors will tell you that she loves the kitchen and it gives her joy to "bake" people happy. 

The post The Anatomy of Apologies appeared first on Mind Tools.

Eva, who always says exactly how she feels – even to the point of using bad language to show the strength of her reactions. She talks openly about her personal life, cries in meetings, dances on tables at office parties, and is as likely to have colleagues hugging her in gratitude as shouting at her in anger. She's passionate and open about every aspect of her job.

Or Joe, who never lets his emotions loose at work, and gets everything done with the minimum of fuss. He's clear about what he will and will not do for others. He doesn't talk about his private life much, so meetings with him are focused and efficient. He doesn't like parties and usually doesn't go. But during office hours he's a calm, confident and kind member of the team.

Who's being more authentic at work?

Assessing Authenticity

I once worked at a radio station with both Eva and Joe (I've just changed their names). And at the time, I'd have said that Eva was the authentic one, honest about her experiences and emotions, and that Joe was fairly inauthentic, since he kept his "real self" hidden.

But, having listened to our latest Mind Tools Expert Voices podcast, my views have changed.

Looking back now, I think that they were both authentic in many ways.

However, both of them could also have made their authenticity work more in their favor – and in mine.

Lessons From Expert Voices

In each Mind Tools Expert Voices episode, my colleague Rachel Salaman tackles a particular workplace topic with the help of some well-qualified guests. Episode 8 explores all aspects of authenticity, including the question of how much authenticity we should aim for.

What Is Authenticity?

Several of Rachel's guests point out that authenticity will always be hard to pin down, because it's about "being yourself" – and that's different for everyone. We all have unique personalities, including how gregarious we are, how we connect with others, and how much of ourselves we're happy to share. As award-winning CEO Sabrina Horn puts it, "Authenticity is like beauty: it's in the eye of the beholder. You have to decide for yourself what your core values are and who you are and what you stand for."

So authenticity involves self-knowledge, and the strength to stay true to yourself. Harvard's Amy Edmondson tells Rachel that it also requires the right environment – somewhere to feel "psychologically safe." What we have to ask ourselves, she says, is: "Do I feel OK around here? Is this a place where I can bring myself forward?"

For us to be open, honest, and fully engaged at work, our organizations need to be authentic, too. As Professor Gareth Jones says, "You want the organization to give you the chance to show your brightness and cleverness and innovation and creativity. Allowing people to show their skill and flourish is exactly what builds a great business."

The Benefits of Being Yourself

Whatever authenticity means in practice – for people, and the places where they work – there's broad agreement that it's a good thing. "That's how we're going to get more rigorous decisions," says author Frances Frei. "That's how we're going to be able to do things faster... do things at higher quality."

According to Annie McKee, who wrote the book "How to Be Happy at Work," being authentic "... helps us withstand the pressures that are inherent in our workplaces today."

Eva and Joe were both successful people, leading high-profile projects and progressing quickly in their careers.

And I think that, in different ways, they both gained a lot from staying true to themselves.

Eva was great at expressing her feelings, and encouraged others to be open and "real." Her candor was attractive and often persuasive to clients. And while she brought plenty of fun to the table, she was also able to have tough conversations when necessary. As Amy Edmondson tells Rachel, authenticity is "... not only saying nice things. It's about being candid. And if we aren't open and willing to take interpersonal risks, our organizations will face much bigger risks."

Joe's authenticity, on the other land, let him build a different kind of trust. He stuck to his own values of clarity and consistency, which gave an organized, predictable air to office life. You could rely on him: not to make you laugh, or let you in on his world outside of work, but to do his job well – and support you to do yours. He was good at what Professor Gretchen Spreitzer calls "job crafting": forging a role that increasingly matched his personality and purpose.

Authenticity Gaps

But Joe struggled to engage with people. He may have known himself well, but he never got to know the rest of us, and we didn't feel comfortable sharing anything personal with him. OK, he didn't like parties, and he held his ground on that. But that meant we could never celebrate as a full team.

Tim Baker says that authenticity involves "... genuinely engaging people in conversations around how we might make the workplace better, more effective, faster, safer, and all of those sorts of things." Joe always had a plan that he was happy with, but he wasn't interested in getting our insights or ideas.

Meanwhile, for all her fun and frankness, Eva often put the rest of us on edge. She was unpredictable, and her moods often dominated the day. She may have she showed that it was OK to open up, but she left little room for anyone else to do that too.

On the podcast, Amy Edmondson explains what can happen when people's authenticity is limited by others. "Not only do they hold back but they don't feel engaged. You know, their heart's not in it. And sometimes they don't feel as good about themselves."

Skillful Authenticity

So how do we achieve just the right amount of authenticity at work?

Author Frances Frei recommends that people like Eva "trim" their authenticity. "If your whole authenticity isn't a problem for your showing up but, wow, we just don't need to see that final 20 percent... I think it's a totally reasonable thing to do, to keep that 20 percent at home. It won't be inauthentic."

And Professor Gareth Jones tells people like Joe to be a little less self-possessed, and to find more similarities and connections with others. "We are not just saying 'be yourself.' You have to be yourself skillfully. Too much difference and things fall apart."

Making Authenticity Work

There are infinite ways to be authentic. And organizations need to make us all feel safe to be ourselves, if we're to do our best, to enjoy our jobs, and in turn to build businesses that people trust. In the words of Sabrina Horn, "'Fake it till you make it' is the worst business advice ever!"

But we should also take an honest look at the impact of our authenticity. Like Eva, it's possible to be too open; and like Joe, too secure in what works for us alone. We should be prepared to "trim" our instinctive approach at times, and to use authenticity skillfully, to get the balance right.

That way, we can be ourselves, but help others to be their best selves at work, too.

Listen to the Latest Episode of Mind Tools Expert Voices

Mind Tools Club Members and Corporate Licensees can listen to the full Expert Voices podcast now.

If you're not a Mind Tools member, you can join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to our 2,400+ resources, including a range of audio features. For corporate licensing, ask for a demo with one of our team.

What's Your Authentic Advice?

What do you think is the right level of authenticity to aim for? Why is it beneficial to be authentic at work? Are there times when it's particularly powerful to be yourself? And when should you "trim" your authenticity – for the good of others, and yourself? Please share your thoughts, below.

The post How Authentic Should You Be at Work? appeared first on Mind Tools.

You call the office for advice, and it's your boss who picks up the phone.

What happens next?

A Lesson in Leadership

l was in that exact situation about thirty years ago, shortly after starting my first real job.

I'd been sent out in an unfamiliar company car, and for some reason I hadn't spotted that it was nearly out of gas. By the time it finally spluttered to a halt, I was on a deserted country road, night was falling, and there was no one around to help.

When my phone call was answered, and it was the manager of my team – a senior leader in the whole organization – my heart sank for a moment.

But instead of tearing into me, pointing out how stupid I'd been, or even just handing me off to someone else, John chuckled, told me not to worry, and asked how he could help.

A few minutes later he'd arranged for a local garage to come and refuel the car as soon as they could. And, to save me waiting, he'd set off on his motorbike to bring me home.

Leadership That Lasts

I learned a lot about John's leadership that night. Over the next few years, he further established himself as a great leader in my eyes – by what he did, but also by the sort of person he was.

And when I listened to our latest Expert Voices podcast this week, I recognized in John's personal attributes many of the leadership traits mentioned by our guests. The kinds of things that make you remember someone's leadership three decades on.

Lessons From Expert Voices

Mind Tools Expert Voices is the podcast series where we delve into our 200+ Expert Interviews, to explore a particular question or theme.

In episode four, "How to Be a Great Leader," my colleague Rachel Salaman gets insights and ideas from experts including Frances Frei, Ashley Goodall and Fred Kiel. They tell her what's special about the best leaders – and how we can be more like them.

A Servant Leader

In my moment of need, John helped. He did that by listening properly to what my problem was, talking to me about what he could do – and then doing it. It didn't matter that he was way above me in the company hierarchy, or that he had a hugely challenging and time-consuming job. When my call came in, I was his priority.

Leadership professor Sen Sendjaya calls this "servant leadership." It takes humility, the willingness to admit to your own mistakes, and the commitment to support your people to do their best. "It's not being inferior, but it's also not being superior," Sen tells Rachel in the podcast. Servant leaders know their own strengths and weaknesses. So they can also help others to understand theirs.

Leading by Example

John often deferred to people who were better at something than him. He gave us all appropriate opportunities to grow, and was happy for us to shine.

But he was also very good at the core aspects of his job. Executive coach Ashley Goodall highlights this as a key leadership trait. "You're following them because they're really good at something that you care about," he says of great leaders. "That removes a little bit of your doubt about the future, a little bit of your uncertainty."

A key part of John's leadership power was his consistency – another trait mentioned by many of our podcast guests. He was always calm in a crisis, and his down-to-earth approach to decision making meant that we all understood his thinking. We knew where we stood with him, whether it was a minor matter or something that would affect the whole business. In the words of leadership consultant Kate Sweetman, during some turbulent times, he was "one of those rocks you wish you had."

He wasn't a pushover, though. He made tough calls when he had to, and held us all accountable in our roles. But he did so in a relentlessly positive way – what Susan Scott calls "holding people able." He set us high targets, believed that we could achieve them, and his confidence rubbed off.

What's more, he modeled accountability himself. He was highly visible in his own contributions, but also disarmingly honest if he ever failed to deliver. He encouraged us to be open about our mistakes – like my failure with the fuel gauge – and to learn from them. According to influential author Fred Kiel, too many leaders see that as a show of weakness, when it's really "… a sign of tremendous strength."

An Authentic Leader

More than anything, John was real. He shared stories from outside work, took part in social events, and leveled with us whenever he could. Leadership coach Bruna Martinuzzi says that. "… without authenticity or integrity a leader has no credibility."

And fellow podcast guest Frances Frei, from Harvard Business School, says that authenticity creates valuable trust within teams. "You're more likely to trust me if you get a sense that I am really in it for you and for the broader group."

That was certainly true with John. We weren't friends with him (even if we'd been rescued on his motorbike!). He was still our boss. But we all saw his empathic and supportive behavior in action. It brought us together as a team – firmly behind him as our leader.

Put Your Leadership to the Test

I've known other great leaders since John (and some not-so-great ones!). When I think about the best of the bunch, the same defining characteristics keep coming up: humility, consistency, accountability, authenticity. And, perhaps more than anything, the willingness to listen to someone in their moment of need, and the instinct to offer the right kind of help.

So Rachel's podcast guests chime with my own experiences. They've also given me ways to lift my own leadership skills. I recommend you have a listen, too, to better understand the people who lead you – and maybe raise your own game.

But if you do want to impress me as a leader, you'll always have to pass my "motorbike test."

If I phoned you after hours from a dark roadside, how would you respond?

Listen to the Latest Episode of Mind Tools Expert Voices

Mind Tools Club Members and Corporate Licensees can listen to the full Expert Voices podcast now.

If you're not a Mind Tools member, you can join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to our 2,400+ resources, including a range of audio features. For corporate licensing, ask for a demo with one of our team.

What Makes a Great Leader? Have Your Say!

Which personal characteristics are crucial for leaders? What is it about the best leaders that makes people want to follow them? Please share your experiences, insights and tips, below.

The post How to Be a Great Leader – Mind Tools Expert Voices appeared first on Mind Tools.

Some of them dazzled me with their power and status, their color and charisma. Others seemed ordinary, distinctly black and white.

Back then, I got a buzz from hanging around VIPs. Perhaps I thought their importance would rub off on me and boost my fragile ego. Years on, after a long personal development journey, during which I have grown in self-esteem and transformed my career, I now find myself in a leadership role of sorts.

I coach clients who are struggling with unhealthy relationships, low confidence, or self-neglect. And, as the host of women's personal growth retreats, theories on leadership have taken on a new importance. Which is why some of the points in "Leading Beyond the Ego," by John Knights, Danielle Grant and Greg Young, caught my eye.

Leading for the Greater Good

When leading a women's circle, there's a part of me that wants to shine, that wants to be seen as doing an excellent job. There's a part of me that longs for glowing reviews and shout-outs on social media.

But this part of me is my ego – and it's not a healthy guide. If I let my ego run the show, I'm heading for trouble. One bit of negative feedback and I'm knocked off my perch. One dissatisfied customer and I want to jack in my coaching and return to my first career.

This, though, wouldn't benefit anyone. The key is to approach my work from a different place – a place beyond the ego. A place where I know that I am using my gifts and talents for the greater good, finding purpose in my past pain, and being of service to those who struggle.

Empathy and Emotional Intelligence

How do I get to this place? I think the authors are spot on when they talk about transpersonal leadership arising from the sweet spot between rational intelligence, emotional intelligence, and spiritual intelligence.

I don't recall ever testing my IQ but I succeeded at school, at university and in my journalism career, so I must have a reasonable intellect.

When it comes to emotional intelligence, I know that I've always had plenty of it. However, it was buried for years.

Starting in my teens, I deliberately disconnected from my emotions. I used various crutches to numb how I was feeling, from excess food to compulsive work.

My relationship with myself was messed up, so I wasn't great at communicating with others. I lacked empathy for myself, too, so I struggled to feel empathy for others.

Intuition and Creativity

I'm pleased to say that all that has changed, thanks to many years of healing. I am now back in touch with my emotions and able to tap into my intuition and creativity. I feel my feelings and I process them – often before deciding how to act. This can be extremely helpful when in a leadership role, as this book points out.

My emotional intelligence makes me an effective coach. I am able to tune into others' emotions. In fact, one of my strengths is my ability to sense that a client has buried feelings and help him or her to to bring them to the surface so that they can begin to heal.

And then there's the third piece of the puzzle: spiritual intelligence. I have written and spoken about spirituality often. But, as the authors note, it can be a tricky topic.

That's why the phrase spiritual intelligence is such a good one. To me, it denotes a connection to my inner wisdom, to the truest, most authentic part of myself; to the woman I was born to be.

Leadership and Authenticity

And when I operate from this place, everyone benefits. By serving my truest purpose, I can have the biggest impact.

My leadership journey is in its infancy and my work remains on a small scale. But this book has reminded me that I'm on the right track and that the more I move beyond the ego, the more effective I'll be.

Perhaps I rubbed shoulders with leaders for so many years because I knew that there was a leader inside me. But I was too scared to allow her out.

Now I know that we don't have to be scared. What can go wrong when we strive to be the truest, most authentic versions of ourselves?

Download our "Leading Beyond the Ego" Book Insight

We review the best new business books and the tested classics in our monthly Book Insights, available as text or as 15-minute audio downloads.

So, if you're a Mind Tools Premium Club member or corporate user, download or stream the "Leading Beyond the Ego" Book Insight now.

If you haven't already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to our 2,400+ resources, including 390+ Book Insights. For corporate membership, ask for a demo with one of our team.

What's your take on leading beyond the ego? Join the discussion below!

The post Leading Beyond the Ego: Putting Others First appeared first on Mind Tools.

We’re often told to bring our "whole selves" to work, and to be authentic in order to achieve satisfaction, improve productivity, create diverse and inclusive workplaces, and feel happier.

Yet most of us would probably admit to being "Great Pretenders" sometimes.

I asked my colleagues at Mind Tools for their views on the matter. Fay, from the marketing team, said, "I experience this when I first start a job. It’s that feeling of not wanting to say anything too ‘out there.’ You’re just evaluating how everyone else acts before you feel like you can truly be yourself. You sometimes pick up on some of this when you come in for an interview. If everyone is sat in silence, for example, is this going to be a place you can be your true self?"

The Challenges of Being Yourself at Work

Authenticity is a complex issue. First, there isn’t a clear and agreed definition. In fact, there's debate over whether the “true self” even exists. And there are many factors that influence your willingness or ability to be “authentic,” including workplace culture and your upbringing.

Research from Deloitte shows that many people, especially minority groups, do feel the need to hide aspects of themselves. They may omit information about our lives, or change what they wear or how they talk, in order to fit in.

As Joe from our marketing team highlights, this pressure to conform can be harmful. "The constraints of having to be too ‘corporate’ mean that you lose your personality, and are constantly thinking about the way that you present yourself, instead of having the freedom to express yourself.

"Doing this daily can be a huge contributor to stress. Instead of focusing on your priorities and workload, you constantly worry that you may not be conforming to the way that the business wants you to talk, walk and act, and you lose focus on what actually matters."

Rosie from our content team said, "I like that people can be themselves as it makes it easier to build relationships and trust.

"However, I do think that sometimes people can take it too far and will say (deliberately or accidentally) quite offensive or inflammatory things that aren't acceptable in the workplace. Those same people tend to then blame their bosses or the wider organization for trying to crush their individuality and create ‘mindless robots.’ In my opinion, authenticity at work is good and valuable as long as it doesn't hurt others."

Client success manager, Suzanne, echoed this point: "I think it's important that everyone is given the freedom to be themselves, but in a respectful, collaborative, professional way."

Clear expectations are incredibly valuable for helping us understand "who" to be at work. If we understand the organization's workplace values, culture and behavioral expectations, it makes it easier for us to assess how to behave.

Who Do You Think You Are?

I’m fortunate because I don’t particularly feel the need to alter my appearance or hide my private life; I am fairly "mainstream," and therefore face little judgment from others. I know that not everyone has this privilege.

I’m also lucky to work in a company where I feel a strong sense of cultural fit. The people at Mind Tools are "my kind of people," so it’s easier to be myself.

But, that certainly doesn’t mean I am the fullest version of "me" when I’m at work. I choose not to talk about certain aspects of my life, for example. I’m probably a far more polite version of myself at work, too.

Does this mean I'm being inauthentic?

I’d argue that it doesn't. There are many different versions of "me" – the "work me," the "home me," the "supermarket me," to name a few. Acting differently in each situation doesn’t mean I’m being inauthentic, because it doesn’t change my values. And I believe that values are the core of authenticity.

I value fairness, teamwork and good manners, among many other things. In any situation, I aim to adhere to my values, even if my actions, words or the way I dress might change.

Be Yourself – How to be More Authentic at Work

But what should you do if you feel you aren’t being your "true self"?

First, use your self-awareness to assess the situation based on what you want and need. You might find that you're already "you" at work. Just because you have a bit of an adventurous side outside the office, doesn’t mean that’s who you want to be at work.

Perhaps you value a more traditional approach to work. Trying to act more like "home you" at work could backfire and actually make you feel less authentic.

But, if you do feel a disconnect between your true self and "work you," then consider this. What makes you feel like you’re not being yourself? Is it the things you say? The way you act? The clothes you wear? This is where knowing your values comes into play.

Sometimes, concerns about not being permitted to be yourself are unfounded. Perhaps they're based on previous experiences where you felt judged or were penalized for your being yourself. "Once bitten, twice shy," as they say.

Take baby steps to address this. Ask a trusted colleague for advice – are you at genuine risk of being judged if you open up?

Then, experiment to see how people react to the "real you." Casually mention something about your personal life, your hobbies, or anything else that you’ve kept to yourself. Or gradually introduce clothing or accessories that represent the real you. Odds are, most people will be genuinely interested to learn more about you.

Also, develop your emotional intelligence and empathy to actively encourage openness in others. Help to create a positive environment where everyone (including you) can be themselves.

As Joe commented, "It’s vital that people don’t just feel like they can be themselves, but that they’re encouraged to be. We need to create an environment where people are encouraged to express themselves. It’s OK to ask questions and talk about things, instead of ignoring them."

Dealing With Less Inclusive Workplaces

Hopefully, most of us feel that we can largely be ourselves at work. But sadly there are still workplaces where being anything other than a corporate cardboard cutout is just not acceptable.

Some people are comfortable hiding who they are at work. They may feel that as long as they have some outlet (a hobby or supportive social group, for example), then they won’t suffer too much from having to moderate themselves at work.

But if hiding the true you is putting your health or well-being at risk, it’s not worth it. You might want to consider moving on.

There is nothing wrong with who you are, and you shouldn't be made to feel that there is.

During your career, you will discover that there’s a workplace for everyone, from the free-spirited to lovers of bureaucracy. The key to achieving authenticity at work is to find somewhere that aligns with your values and that encourages you to be you.

Do you feel like you can be yourself at work? Share your experiences, and your views on the role of authenticity in the workplace, by commenting below. 

The post Great Pretender – Are You Free to Be Yourself at Work? appeared first on Mind Tools.

For example, not so many years ago, male managers would likely have expected to be addressed as "Mr.," while their team members might have accepted sexual harassment as a sad fact of life.

By contrast, today's managers try to inspire respect without the formalities, and their people expect equal consideration. That sounds like a walk in the park, but getting respect right for everyone is sometimes more like crossing a minefield.

Evidence of Respect

It helps to have a map showing the perils that lurk out of sight. And, we have that with “Excuse Me: The Survival Guide to Modern Business Etiquette," a new book by Rosanne Thomas.

When I spoke to Thomas for our Expert Interview podcast, I asked her to explain the link between respect and business etiquette.

"I look at respect as the foundation and I look at business etiquette as the mechanics," she replied. "We need to have the respect and then we actually need to evidence it. It's not enough for us to say, 'I'm a respectful person. I've got a good attitude.' We've got to evidence all of those things."

Little Things Matter

What does that evidence look like? According to Thomas, it's any number of little things. "For instance, are you looking up and smiling as someone approaches you down the hallway? Do you refer to them by name, if you happen to know their name?" says Thomas.

"Little things like holding a door open to make sure that the person behind you is able to come in, or cleaning up after meetings – tiny little things like this matter," she adds.

While respectful, those actions don't sound particularly modern. This suggests that "modern business etiquette" is not about throwing out the old rules in favor of the new ones.

Rather, it's about retaining traditional behaviors that still have a role in the modern workplace. And then, adding new protocols that reflect changes in society and their associated expectations. As I said earlier, a minefield.

The Golden and Platinum Rules

In her book, Thomas offers a helpful steer with her Platinum Rule. This is an updated version of the Golden Rule, which states that we should treat others as we would like to be treated. With the Platinum Rule, we treat others as they would like to be treated. And to find that out, we may need to ask them.

As an example, Thomas shares a recent experience. She saw a person in a wheelchair manually propelling himself up a hill. A passer-by came up from behind and started to push the wheelchair up the hill, saying, "Here, let me help you." The man in the wheelchair declined the help, saying that he would prefer to wheel himself.

"This is where the Golden Rule and the Platinum Rule are not the same," she points out. "We might prefer that someone help us if we happened to be in a wheelchair. But that is not necessarily the way in which the other person wants to be treated. So, we always need to ask."

Respect and Empathy

In the workplace, this means using empathy and respectfully worded, non-judgmental questions to discover people's preferences. How do they like their partners or spouses to be referred to? What’s their preferred mode and style of communication, which may differ according to age or role?

If we don't make a conscious effort to create a respectful workplace, we're risking a lot, Thomas warns, because a lack of respect can be pervasive and corrosive. "It affects morale," she says, "and productivity, and it might affect mental health, which could affect physical health."

"It certainly has an impact upon attendance and absenteeism, and it's contagious, in that one person's disrespect is contagious to other people. So, it's really a win-win if we have a respectful, inclusive, civil workplace. And it's lose-lose if we don't," she says.

With the Platinum Rule in mind, I ask Thomas what we should do if we feel we are being disrespected by someone at work. What's the best way to convey how we would prefer to be treated? In this clip from our Expert Interview podcast, she gives her advice:

Listen to the full 30-minute interview in the Mind Tools Club. ¦ Install Flash Player.

How do you show respect at work? Join the discussion below!

The post R.E.S.P.E.C.T. (Find Out What It Means to Me) appeared first on Mind Tools.

This is the idea behind Roberta Chinsky Matuson's new book, "The Magnetic Leader." In it, she proposes that "irresistible leaders" attract more than just great employees. Their ability to lead an energized and engaged workforce can also boost customer numbers and profits.

Do You Have the Makings of a Magnetic Leader?

You may think that the kind of "pulling power" needed to be a magnetic leader is innate. And that, if you don't have it now, you never will.

As a talent-management coach, Matuson takes a nuanced view of this. On the one hand, she agrees that reluctant leaders will never be great ones. As she explains: "You cannot teach people desire, and if they don't want to be in that job, no matter how much training you do, they are not going to be an effective leader."

On the other hand, she affirms that, if a person really does want to lead and wants to succeed in their role, then they have the potential to become a magnetic leader.

It doesn't matter if this doesn't come naturally at first. "Some people find it more difficult than others to learn how to ride a bicycle, but eventually they master the skill and they go on to race professionally," she points out, in our Expert Interview podcast. "If you really want to do it, you can do it. You just have to be fully committed."

The Seven Key Traits

In her book she outlines the seven key traits that magnetic leaders have, starting with authenticity. It's a characteristic we hear a lot about these days, and I put it to Matuson that the benefits of authenticity depend on your personality. Being authentically selfish, for example, isn't going to increase your pulling power.

She agrees, adding that ultimately, it's consistency that matters. "Let’s just say you're a little prickly," she imagines. "You're a tough boss, but you're fair. Well, if you're consistent, people will appreciate it… They're never wondering, 'What does he really mean?’"

Another key trait is good communication. For Matuson, this means communicating frequently and clearly. But this can be difficult, particularly in the busy, multi-generational and geographically dispersed workplaces of today.

"We've got five generations in the workplace right now and their communication styles differ," clarifies Matuson. "For example, I'm a baby boomer. If you want to have a conversation with me, and we're not in the same building, pick up the phone. Stop with the texts already, because we could have resolved this issue in one minute [on the phone]. Whereas a younger person, a millennial, they're like, 'Why are you calling me? I don't answer my phone. Send me a text.’"

The way to reach team members of all ages is, first, to understand which mode of communication works best for them, and second, to be upfront about how you're going to communicate with them, bearing their preferred method in mind.

"A strong communicator would say to an employee, 'Listen, I get the fact that you love texts. I'm going to tell you right now that is not the way I communicate. So I am going to need you to check your emails once a day. I will be sending them and I will expect you to be reading them,’" Matuson asserts.

Another magnetic trait is having vision. But, what can you do if you don't feel very visionary?

"Surround yourself with the kind of people who are visionaries," Matuson suggests. "You have to attend events where you're meeting people who could perhaps become a mentor to you, somebody who is known in the industry for thinking big. And you have to let go of some of your self-limiting beliefs. You have to start looking ahead and seeing what's out there, and educating yourself, so that you can be in front of things rather than behind… We've all seen organizations which are floundering because they don't quite know who they are, and you don't see people jumping from their jobs to go work for a company that's in chaos."

The other four traits of the magnetic leader are selflessness, charisma, transparency, and resilience.

The Final Trait: Resilience

In this audio clip from our Expert Interview podcast, Matuson offers some tips on how you can develop these qualities, starting with the final one, resilience.

Listen to the full 30-minute interview in the Mind Tools Club. ¦ Install Flash Player.

What's your definition of a magnetic leader? What qualities do you think are most important in a magnetic leader? And do you think you have what it takes to be one? Join the discussion below!

The post The Seven Key Qualities of a Magnetic Leader appeared first on Mind Tools.

Unlike a lot of expert negotiators, Corey Kupfer doesn't believe in using persuasion techniques or clever wordplay when he enters into a negotiation. You won't find him mirroring his opponent's gestures to lull them into acquiescence, or inventing competing bidders to gain an advantage.

That's because, during his 30 years as a professional negotiator, he's observed that these "surface-level tactics" don't matter nearly as much as what's going on inside your head.

The difference between success and failure in a negotiation, he says, is "the ability to do the internal work to get to your inner truth, to hold to it and not get thrown off in that negotiation, so you truly achieve the objectives that you want to achieve."

The Three Key Qualities of Negotiation

His new book, "Authentic Negotiation," is a handy guide to doing just that. It outlines three key qualities that he says comprise the best mindset for any negotiation. These are:

• Clarity.
• Detachment.
• Equilibrium.

When I spoke to Kupfer for our Expert Interview podcast, we dug down into what these qualities might look like in practice, starting with clarity.

Clarity

"It’s clarity on your objectives," he says simply. "Exactly what do you want on every major term of this deal? What's acceptable and what's not acceptable? And not only what's acceptable or not acceptable on each individual term, but then how do they relate to each other and how do you prioritize?"

This process may sound basic but, according to Kupfer, it's frequently overlooked.

"I am amazed at how often even very successful business people go into major negotiations without close to the level of clarity they need," he says.

Detachment

The second quality, detachment, is similarly straightforward. It's about keeping emotions out of the process. Kupfer explains this, as if he were negotiating with me.

Imagine that "we get down the line and either things have not checked out in due diligence or you've negotiated way beyond what's acceptable to me, but I'm so in love with the deal [that it goes ahead anyway]," he says. "That's how a lack of detachment can spell disaster for a negotiation."

Combining detachment with clarity allows the objectives of the deal to take center stage, leading to a much better outcome.

Equilibrium

So, how does the third key quality – equilibrium – fit in?

According to Kupfer, it keeps the other two in check. He explains, "Even if you come in with clarity and you are initially detached, if you don't maintain the equilibrium then you lose your ability to be connected to that clarity and maintain that detachment.

"So the third key is just really being able, in the fact of all the tension, the stress, the tactics that the other side may do, to maintain your equilibrium and be able to stay calm, clear and connected to what you’re trying to achieve."

It's Not Always About Winning

Ultimately, Kupfer says, the goal is not to win. It's not even to get to a "win-win." It begins and ends with achieving your objectives.

"The problem I've found is that, for a lot of people, the minute the concept of winning comes in, even if it's in the context of win-win, ego gets engaged," he says. "So what I do is I say, 'Listen, because winning can be an emotional feeling, which may or may not line up with what your objectives are, that shouldn't be the litmus test. The litmus test should be, if you've done the clarity work to get crystal clear on all of those objectives, did we meet them or did we not?' That is a successful negotiation, whether you feel emotionally like you've won or not."

It's all very well to be clear on your objectives, but isn't negotiation all about give and take?

Kupfer agrees that being too rigid is a bad idea. So, how are we to strike the right balance between sticking to what we want in a negotiation and being flexible enough to get a good deal? Here's his answer, from our Expert Interview podcast.

Listen to the full Expert Interview in the Mind Tools Club ¦ Install Flash Player

Do you agree with Kupfer? Or do you prefer a different tactics? What are your top negotiating tips? Join the discussion below!

The post How to Strike the Right Note in a Negotiation appeared first on Mind Tools.

The post You're a Genius appeared first on Mind Tools.

– Warren Bennis, author and leadership expert.

Chances are, you've experienced working with both good and bad leaders.

You may have been inspired by a great leader's vision, and been motivated by his or her passion and commitment to achieving it. Alternatively, you may have felt disconnected and remote from a leader who failed to engage with his workforce, or who had a confused or vague vision for his organization.

Even if you work for a large organization where you only expect limited and infrequent contact with the "top brass," their behavior and attitude probably impacts the way you approach your role and your perception of the company.

We wanted to know what you thought made a good leader, and what characteristics would make you want to follow someone. So, we asked our friends and followers on social media, "What qualities do you look for in a good leader?"

It prompted one of the highest number of responses to a Mind Tools discussion question, with dozens of you taking the time to give us your views. Thank you to everyone who replied.

Our LinkedIn page lit up with the volume of comments! Here is a selection of your views:

Education consultant Louise LeVell, from the U.K., kicked off the discussion with a list of the qualities she admires in a leader, specifically, "positivity, politeness, honesty, integrity, fair, professional, not abusing their status by giving staff 'personal' tasks to complete (such as their child's homework!), appropriate dress, someone who listens and digests, not dismisses."

Loan Tran, from Denmark, was one of many people who highlighted the need for trust and integrity. She said, "In my opinion, the most important quality is to be focused on developing her or his team members. Other qualities are integrity, trustworthy, objective, professional, visionary, company culture creator, focused, and more… "
Hidayat Hussainy, a university grants manager in Kabul, Afghanistan, added, "A leader is someone who can control his or her emotion when dealing with complex issues, and handling them wisely."

Empathy was another common response to the question. Project manager Sandra Zumstein, from Germany, said, "Being empathic, inspiring and consistent would be some of my favorite qualities." Carla A. Schirmacher, an operations manager in Mexico, replied with the single word, "Empathy." Property expert Marilyn Bojanowski, from Florida, U.S., looked for someone who was, "Honest, fair, inspiring, supportive, mentor, and professional. Not afraid of creating future leaders."

Our Twitter followers also came up with a wide range of qualities. Marcelo Pacheco‏ @Marcelopchc said, "He/she should have initiative, the moral power to demand what h/s has already done, motivate by speech and empower followers. Leadership is ultimately about impact. An ability to wonder about that and take action leads to wonderful possibilities."

David Cruickshank ‏@cruickers quoted the sixth U.S. president, John Quincy Adams, who said, "If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader." (You can a buy a Mind Tools poster featuring this motivational quote, here.) Jess Critchlow ‏@jc_lightupwork said, "It's a cliche, but for me it's emotional intelligence and all the gold dust that comes with that!"

Here is a snapshot of some of the very many replies we received:

• Tehani Mott ‏@TehaniMott, "Great qualities of a good leader: honesty, humility, hard work & service to others."
• LearnerLedLdr ‏@LearnerLedLdr, "Honesty, encouragement, creativity, coaching, development, moral purpose, strength, and humour."
• Meagan Schmidt ‏@MeaganJSchmidt, "Authenticity. Being a leader means you can admit mistakes, you don't always have answers, and sharing how you overcame obstacles."
• Dr Richard Peacocke ‏@rlpeacocke, "Honesty, integrity, loyalty and charity. If s/he has these, but especially charity, the best people will flock to follow them."

You can still have your say on what qualities you think a good leader should have. Let us know your views in the comment section, below.

The post What Qualities Do You Look for in a Leader? appeared first on Mind Tools.