How Not to Apologize

In the leadership module that I teach at university, we place much emphasis on the ability to apologize, because people simply don't trust leaders who can't apologize. Also, they need to apologize correctly. That implies that there's a right and a wrong way to apologize.

And in private practice, when working with couples, I've often heard one of the gripes being the way the other person apologizes. The almost standard tagline is: "If she/he says it like this, they don't mean it." (The language is usually slightly more colorful.) Or, "If they say it like that, it's not an apology."

At work, and in our personal relationships, apologies can go wrong because our tone of voice or body language conveys reluctance to apologize. Not to even mention how wrong it can go in an email! The problem with the latter is that you can't see the person or hear them – all you can go by is the words and the tone of the email. (Yes, emails do have a tone of voice.)

Apology No-Nos and Do-Overs

While a sincere apology can repair damage to your relationships and reputation, a bad or false apology can fan the flames and do even more harm than the very thing you're apologizing for! So, here are some common apology mistakes, and how to avoid them:

Mistake 1: An apology with a "but" is not an apology – it's a justification or an explanation, and you're not likely to learn from the experience. "I'm sorry, but I was in a bad space," might sound like an apology, but it's a justification.

Instead, say, "I'm sorry for what I said/did. I was in a bad space, but that didn’t make it OK for me to put you on the receiving end. How can I make it up to you?"

Mistake 2: An apology that begins well but ends poorly is not an apology – it's often argumentative. "I'm sorry I did it. It happened because of how you spoke to me…" Can you hear the toxic cycle of a new argument being born here? I certainly can!

Instead, try: "I'm sorry I said that. Even though I didn't like your tone of voice, it wasn't necessary for me to react to it. How can we do it differently in future?" (We need to understand that it is a two-way street at times, without apportioning blame.)

Mistake 3: Then there's the old intent issue… "I'm sorry, it was never my intent to hurt you." I'm not sure what you're apologizing for if you say this. It wasn't your intent that hurt me – it was your action, and that's what you should be apologizing for. No one argued your intent.

It's more effective to say, "I'm sorry for what I did and that I caused you hurt. What can I do to make it better?"

Mistake 4: The passive–aggressive apology is particularly cruel. It may sound like this: "I'm sorry you feel that way." Here's the problem: you can't be sorry for how another person feels – it's a way of using the words "I'm sorry," but without any investment in the apology.

If you're truly sorry, say, "I'm sorry my words/actions had such an effect on you. I will be more aware of what I say and how I say it in future."

An apology needs to be sincere. It needs to show that the person apologizing is taking responsibility for what they did or said, showing remorse, and sharing how they intend to make amends going forward.

After the Apology

This might shock you: an apology is not enough. An apology is but the first step. After the apology, it's necessary to show, by how you speak and behave, that you're putting in the work to change.

An apology without change is lip service. I call it window-dressing. You want to make it look right without actually fixing it – that's a time-consuming and pointless exercise.

Being able to apologize sincerely, without getting defensive or huffy, is a sign of maturity and strength. It shows that you're not too big or important to be vulnerable, too.

So, just apologize – it'll take the sting out of it. (Thanks, Mom!)

Let's Continue the Conversation!

We'll be hosting an #MTtalk Twitter chat on Wednesday, June 19 @ 12 noon ET. Anyone can join! Follow us on Twitter, type #MTtalk in the Twitter search function, and click on "Latest" – you'll then be able to follow the live chat feed. You can participate chat by using the hashtag #MTtalk in your responses. 

On Thursday, June 20 at 11 a.m. ET, members of our Career Community Facebook group will be able to join a 20-minute Facebook live conversation and question session. 

Then on Friday, June 21, we will release a short coaching video on our Mind Tools Coaching Hub on LinkedIn which is exclusive to Mind Tools members.  

We'd love to hear from you in any of these channels. Please share your thoughts, anecdotes and ideas with us on the topic of apologies.

If you liked this blog, you may be interested in the following resources:

How to Apologize
Mutual Respect
Toxic: A Guide to Rebuilding Respect and Tolerance in a Hostile Workplace
Keeping Your Word at Work
8 Keys to Eliminating Passive-Aggressiveness
Authenticity

About the Author:

Yolandé has been part of the Mind Tools team since 2008 and she uses her 20+ years of experience as a therapist, coach, facilitator, and business school lecturer to help people develop their careers and live up to their potential. She thrives on facilitating conversations designed to build bridges between people by using creative questioning and thinking techniques. You might mistake her for a city girl, but Yolandé is an honorary game ranger, loves birding, archaeology, and spending time in the African bush. Early morning runs with her rottweiler and reading (a lot) are her favorite activities. And, her neighbors will tell you that she loves the kitchen and it gives her joy to "bake" people happy. 

The post The Anatomy of Apologies appeared first on Mind Tools.

The news comes less than one month after Jacinda Ardern announced that she would step down as PM of New Zealand. In her six years running the country, Ardern was praised for her strong but compassionate leadership style, proving that kindness and humility are assets to any leader.

With these two strong female politicians stepping down, I wanted to reflect on how kindness and humility can help us to become better leaders, and why stepping aside is not a sign of weakness.

What Is Humility?

Humility is the opposite of bragging. It's staying modest about yourself and your status. But don't confuse humility with low self-esteem; it doesn't mean that you're insecure or lack confidence, but rather that you appreciate your talents without being boastful. Leadership expert Bruna Martinuzzi writes about Humility as "a quiet confidence."

When we're less preoccupied with our own accomplishments, we have more time and energy to think about others. Humility is therefore a highly desirable trait in any leader, since it ensures that they will always act in the best interests of their team, rather than for their own personal gain.

Do Female Leaders Show More Humility?

Author of "The Paula Principle," Tom Schuller, finds that men often work above their level of competence, but women are more likely to work below their level of competence. Tomas Charmarro-Premuzic has also written about this, citing that "women are more sensitive, considerate and humble than men."

But everyone can develop kindness and selflessness, and these qualities are even more valuable in leadership roles.

Traits of a Kind Leader

Humility is just one of the key ingredients that make up a kind leader. And with a little practice you too can develop a more compassionate leadership style:

• Active listening. As a leader, your voice will often carry the most weight in your team. Give others a chance to voice their ideas and pay attention to what they have to say.
• Empathy. Connect with your team members. Try to understand their feelings and points of view. How does their work affect their wellbeing? And what can you do to help?
• Self-awareness. What kind of leader are you? What does your team think of you? A self-reflection will help you to stay grounded and understand your motives.
• Trust and honesty. A kind leader will trust and empower their team. To nurture a culture of trust, you should be honest and authentic with your co-workers. If you set a good example, your team will follow suit!
• Accountability. As leader, the buck stops with you. Kind leaders demonstrate courage and tenacity by accepting responsibility for their decisions and learning from their mistakes.

A Kind Leader Knows When to Step Aside

Resigning because you don't feel up to the task at hand is commonly seen as a weakness, but it's quite the opposite.

Sturgeon and Ardern's reasons for handing over the prime ministerial baton demonstrate kindness and strength. Not only to themselves, but also to their people. Knowing when you've reached your limit is an admirable trait, and admitting it takes a wealth of courage.

Rather than try to "fake it 'til you make it," a good leader can admit when they aren't the right person for the job. For example, asking for help or delegating to team members with more suitable skillsets. Or, in the case of Jacinda Arden and Nicola Sturgeon, stepping down for the sake of the people they represent.

A kind and humble person won't let their vanity or desire for personal glory stand in the way of their team's success.

Beware of Generosity Burnout!

Leading with kindness and humility can be wearing. Especially in politics! With so many people depending on you to guide them in the right direction, it can be difficult to make both quick and ethical decisions. This pressure, and the constant consideration of others' needs over your own can lead to generosity burnout.

In her resignation speech, Jacinda Ardern admitted that she simply did not "have enough in the tank" to continue in her role. Giving too much too often will inevitably lead to exhaustion and burnout. Generosity burnout can even make you resent those who depend on you, so it's crucial to do something about it before it takes hold.

Avoid generosity burnout as a leader by accepting that you can't always please everyone. Reflect on your personal values and those of your company, and consider how you can apply them in your decision making. This will help you to feel confident about the choices you make, and defend them if you face scrutiny.

Finally, take time for yourself. While you are responsible for your people, you can't help them to be their best selves if you you don't show yourself the same care and attention!

The post Leading With Kindness and Humility appeared first on Mind Tools.

• What did I learn this past year?
• What do I hope to leave behind in 2022?
• What do I look forward to in 2023?

 What Did I Learn in 2022?

While not new lessons, 2022 continued to teach me humility, resilience, empathy, and kindness. Those last two lessons I hold especially close. As I navigate life, I experience challenges and loss, like we all do. But I find that empathy, beginning with myself and radiating out to others, combined with even the smallest acts of kindness, pave my path forward.

Both empathy and kindness are practices that take focus and intention. This year I want to deepen my commitment to, and my practice of, both. For my own benefit and to make even the smallest positive difference in my world.

As I Bid Farewell to 2022 What Will I Leave Behind?

I hope to leave behind the limits I place on myself. As I look back on my life and plan forward, I continue to learn that my biggest obstacles are those I create.

Self-doubt, anxiety, inertia, and a host of others. They all add up to limits. In 2023, I intend to limit myself less and strive toward achieving more of what matters most.

What Do I Look Forward to in the New Year?

I look forward to connecting more dots. The icebreaker of a recent #MTtalk asked, "If you had unlimited charitable funds, where would you donate?"

My first response was to list three things – feed the hungry, especially children, promote literacy, and help rescue dogs. Then I thought, "What would happen if I connected these dots?"

Could I, for example, start a free lunch program that would provide children with opportunities to read to foster dogs? While I will pursue this idea (and keep looking for that large bag of money to fund it!), the lasting takeaway for me is to be open to the power of connecting ideas, resources, and people to solve problems and create opportunities.

Maybe what I'm looking forward to most is applying those lessons of empathy and kindness, to guide these connections and build community.

Now it's your turn. What has 2022 taught you? What do you hope to leave behind? And what will you carry forward to create a bright, successful new year? 

If you have big ambitions for 2023, personal or career-focused, our Life Plan workbook will help you to achieve them! 

The post Lessons, Leave-Behinds and Looking Forward to New Year appeared first on Mind Tools.

"Generosity is as much showing your vulnerability as it is your passion for something."

Can you remember the first time you were on the receiving end of a generous act? I can't, but I clearly remember the first time I understood how a small act of generosity could make a big difference.

A Generous Act

I was in fourth grade. Fred was a boy in my class who lived in difficult circumstances. His parents didn't have the means to buy him all the stationery he needed in class, and one of the basic items he lacked was a set of colored pencils. Every time we needed to use colored pencils, Fred would get up, walk across the class to my desk and borrow some of mine.

One afternoon I told my mom that Fred didn't have his own set of colored pencils. To her, it was unacceptable that he didn't have the basics, and she said that it must have been hard for him to always rely on others. Instead of driving home, she drove to the closest stationery shop and had me choose a set of pencils.

The next day I was sent to school with Fred's pencils in my school case, and a set of "orders" too! My mom told me to give the pencils to him as unobtrusively as possible and not in front of the whole class. I shouldn't make a big deal of it, but just give them to him and tell him they were his to keep.

As the first bell rang that prompted us to go to our classrooms, the moment presented itself and I gave Fred his pencils. At first, he looked uncertain, then happy, and then proud. At last, he had his own pencils!

To me, it wasn't a big deal to let him use my pencils. However, my mom realized what a difference it would make for Fred to have his own. Generosity is... spotting an opportunity and doing something about it if it's within your means or capability. Sometimes we don't do anything, just because it's "too much trouble" or we're too busy. I like to think, "If I were in that person's position, how would I feel if people simply didn't care enough to do something?"

Ways to Show Generosity to Others

But is generosity always about giving money or material things? Not by a long shot.

There's generosity in thinking creatively to help yourself and others find solutions. Sharing wisdom, and looking for opportunities to help and teach, are acts of generosity.

There's a special kind of generosity in providing a safe space where people can simply be – a place where they don't have to pretend, play a role or fit into a mold without the fear of being ridiculed, judged or excluded.

Taking the time to support a friend or colleague who is going through a tough time or just having a bad day is a type of generosity that builds trust. Giving someone your time and attention by listening mindfully might help them feel heard, understood and less lonely.

It takes mental and emotional energy to admit privilege. Doing your best, and what is within your power to mend historical injustices, is generous. It's much easier to shrug it off and say, "It's not my fault, so why should I try to fix it?"

Accepting an apology when you've been hurt is an act of generosity and not an obligation. Forgiving is an act of generosity irrespective of your reason for doing it.

How Can You Show Generosity Toward Yourself?

Generosity also comes in the form of self-care.

One of my favorite sayings is that you can't give what you don't have. I believe that generosity, like respect and love, starts with how you treat yourself. If you don't love yourself (not to be confused with arrogance), how can you love others? If you don't respect yourself first, it's difficult to consistently treat others respectfully.

Although it might not feel that way, self-honesty is a generous act. If you gift yourself with self-honesty, you get the opportunity to grow into and discover the best version of you. If you're in denial, though, you won't learn or change.

And, showing up in all your glorious authenticity and vulnerability and giving the world you is a special kind of generosity – because you are the only person who can do that.   

What Generosity Isn't

Generosity is an attitude – a way of thinking and being. It isn't doing something to be seen, for social media creds or a cringeworthy post that starts with, "I'm so blessed to be able to give (this person) a (meal/voucher/Christmas gift)."

Being a voice for the voiceless is an act of generosity. Patronizing the voiceless isn't. Calling out wrongs is an act of generosity, but not if you do it to score points. Holding space for others and allowing them to feel what they feel is generous, but not if you're going to use it against them in the future.

If you're thinking about what you'll get in return, you're not showing true generosity.

Generosity Is...

During Friday's #MTtalk Twitter chat, we discussed what generosity is and what it isn't, and how we can display it personally or in the workplace.  Here are all the questions we asked, and some of the best responses:

Q1. Complete the sentence: Generosity is ______.

@ColfaxInsurance Generosity is giving with no expectation of anything in return; very similar to kindness.

@MikeB_MT Generosity is a renewable resource, just like kindness. The more generous I am, the more generous it is.

Q2. How would you describe a generous mindset?

@Yolande_MT A generous mindset knows that you don't always share out of abundance – you share what you have because another needs it more than you do.

@Midgie_MT A generous mindset consists of both the attitude and approach of kindness, wanting to cause no harm, to be helpful and to be respectful at all times towards others.

Q3. What are the benefits of being generous?

@CaptRajeshwar You are always the last in line and know who needs what and when. You become Wi-Fi for your stakeholders: silent [and] obscure, but they know your importance and [are] ready to feed generously.

@BRAVOMedia1 Give unconditionally and you will receive. The operative word here is truly "unconditionally"; I believe when we give we do receive and it is usually in the most unlikely places with the most unlikely people. Be generous unconditionally.

Q4. How do people react when others show them generosity?

@junkkDNA They can either feel relieved/thankful while some may also feel offended. It's difficult. Even if you're coming from the right place, people can get offended for 2 things: 1. When they are wrongly convinced that your generosity is practiced in bad faith; 2. When they themselves practice generosity in bad faith, they tend to believe that everyone's like them.

@EYLynette [It] depends on how they have received offers of generosity before. Happy, loved or shame depending on how it's offered.

Q5. What are some examples of "bad" generosity?

@NWarind Bad generosity is greed, self-praise which boosts jealousy.

@SarahH_MT Buying expensive gifts to "show off" or "look generous" defeats the point of giving and is unhelpful. People do this often out of guilt (I don't do enough for you so I'll create extravagant, public gestures instead to overcompensate).

Q6) How does generosity fit into the workplace culture?

@MarkC_Avgi Mentioning generosity with skills reminds me of those who closely guarded their knowledge & skill-sets, perhaps seemingly being concerned about someone else learning them, & being replaced, rather than sharing such abilities & knowledge to teach or mentor others.

@PG_pmp [It fits] at [the] workplace when we are good listeners and share [our] own know-how with others.

Q7. What might stop you being generous toward your colleagues?

@ZalaB_MT When generosity is mistaken for "can be taken advantage of." When people are generous with their time, space, means and funds, it shouldn’t be taken for granted. When people exploit that, it’s a good way to start setting boundaries and making your priorities clear.

@SoniaH_MT I might stop being generous toward my colleagues if I detect that I'm being used.

Q8. How can you be generous and maintain your boundaries?

@ColfaxInsurance Part of this is knowing when to stop yourself. You can't be generous to the point that you don't take care of yourself, so start by setting clear boundaries for you and communicate those to people.

@DrSupriya_MT Be mindful of this compulsion to be "always nice to others" [because it can] slip into people-pleasing behavior. Then the boundaries are not respected.

Q9. How could a company show generosity to its employees or the community?

@_GT_Coaching There may be certain things a company can promote but ultimately it is down to people within a company.  It is all open to interpretation, either as giver or receiver of generosity.

@Yolande_MT Communities: don't just throw money at them. Ask: How can we best serve this community? What project/effort/action will make a lasting and sustainable difference?

Q10. In what new/different ways might you be generous?

@_GT_Coaching Understanding my blind spots may lead to changes in when/how I am generous.

@PmTwee Each time your generous act serves the purpose means it is indeed new or different!

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat over here.

Coming Up

It's almost Back-to-School season so we will be hitting "pause" for two weeks! During our summer break, please be sure to check our Twitter page for #MTtalk updates. We look forward to your participation in our next poll closer to the end of August.

Generosity Resources

In the meantime, we've compiled a list of resources for you to browse. (Note that you will need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the resources in full.)

How to Avoid Generosity Burnout
Beyond Measure: The Big Impact of Small Changes
Winning by Giving
Multipliers
Managing Your Boundaries
Why Being a Generous Leader Can Make You a Great Leader
How to Get the Best From an Extra Miler
Assertiveness
Random Acts of Kindness
What Is Corporate Social Responsibility?
Gable's Four Responses to Good News

The post Generosity Is... – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

Now, as the clock hits four o'clock, I simply close my computer, and sift through my phone to kill time until "Zoom drinks" at eight. 

Being able to work from home has been invaluable during the pandemic. But after all this time I can feel myself itching to get back to the office. To experience a morsel of that busy lifestyle I used to complain so much about. To talk to real-life people instead of my houseplants, and to experience the energy of a bustling office rather than the solitude of my tiny apartment. 

But I'm afraid that all these months away may have cost me valuable social skills, and potentially damaged my work relationships beyond repair. Have I forgotten how to interact meaningfully with my peers? And even worse, is it too late to reconnect? 

Losing Touch 

Before the pandemic, I knew just about everyone I worked with. Even if our roles didn't cross over, I'd have at least sat down for a coffee, or exchanged TV show recommendations with everyone at least once. 

Now my colleagues appear as a collection of pixels on my screen, and I feel like I've lost touch. People have left, new starters have joined, and I no longer have a clear picture of the wider team I work in. I fear that the office will be unrecognizable, and so will the faces inside it. 

Reconnecting? Be Patient 

In reality, most of my co-workers likely feel the exact same way. Working in a pandemic has been a steep and unexpected learning curve for everyone, so it’s important to be patient with ourselves and one another. 

Don't be afraid to introduce yourself to those who may not have met you in the outside world. Run icebreaker sessions to get to know one another again. Conversations may be stilted or awkward at first, but give it time. 

Everyone will need to reintegrate into the daily routine, so don't be afraid to set boundaries and give one another space. 

Treat Others With Kindness

According to Mind Tools' Expert Interview guests, it's important that we work with kindness and compassion. People will have mixed feelings about returning to the office. Some will be eager to "get back to normal," while others may be anxious about the potential risks. 

Emotions may be running high so be respectful of your colleagues' concerns. Where appropriate, lend a helping hand or offer a comforting word.  

Stay in the Moment When Reconnecting

Daniel Goleman – a leading voice in emotional intelligence – believes that taking time to "stay present" is key to reconnecting with others. He said, "Look at your priorities in the day. Do you make time for yourself? Do you make time to reflect?" Checking in on yourself and cutting out distractions will not only help to minimize feelings of anxiety or worry, but also make you more approachable to your peers. 

This sentiment was echoed by Stanford University’s Emma Seppala who believes that being present and compassionate with others is essential to "human connection" and building better relationships. 

"Treat Ourselves as We Would Treat Others" 

Author Tal Ben-Shahar asserts that to build empathetic connections with others, we first need to treat ourselves with the same kindness. 

He said, "Would we be very harsh on a person if they stumbled in a speech? Would we be extremely hard on a person if they didn't get it right the first time? Of course not. So why treat ourselves using different standards?" 

So, cut yourself some slack and don't beat yourself up if it takes you longer to assimilate into the "new normal" than you'd like. 

Lessons From Expert Voices

Mind Tools Expert Voices is our new podcast series where we delve into the archive of our 200+ Expert Interviews to find the insights that we need now. 

In episode two, "Reconnecting After COVID," my colleague Rachel Salaman takes us through some of the most useful wisdom she's gathered from her interviewees over the years, introducing clips from her chats with Dr Srikumar Rao, Daniel Goleman, Emma Seppala, Tal Ben-Shahar, and more.  

Listen to the Second Episode of Mind Tools Expert Voices 

In the snippet of our new Expert Voices podcast, below, our guests discuss why empathy and kindness are key to rebuilding relationships.

You can listen to the full Expert Voices podcast now.

If you're not a Mind Tools member, you can join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to our 2,400+ resources, including a range of audio features. For corporate licensing, ask for a demo with one of our team.  

How are you feeling about life after lockdown? Has the pandemic taken its toll on your positivity and passion? Share your experiences and tips, below.

The post Reconnecting After COVID – Mind Tools Expert Voices appeared first on Mind Tools.

"It's hard to be receptive to the moralistic scolding and patronizing encouragement offered endlessly by the allegedly well-meaning."

Just the mere mention of the word "patronizing" gets my hackles up.

The Cambridge Dictionary defines the word "patronize" as "to speak to or behave towards someone as if they are stupid or not important." Similarly, Oxford Languages defines it as "to treat in a way that is apparently kind or helpful but that betrays a feeling of superiority."

Am I Stupid, or What?

I've certainly felt patronized before. "Mansplaining," in particular, annoys me. It irks me if a man speaks on my behalf. It's even worse if he does it because he assumes that I don't know anything about cars, electricity, tools, or technology, and that his knowledge is superior. And worse still is when a man lies to me because he thinks that I won't know the difference anyway.

Recently, we had a solar power system installed at our house. While I was busy downloading the app that you need to manage the system, the project manager literally took my phone out of my hand and said, "Let me do it, I know how."

After a moment of stunned silence, I asked him to give me my phone back, and added that I found his behavior disrespectful. He quickly mansplained, "Most women struggle to do it, so I thought I'd save you time." In his mind he was being kind. In my mind he was completely out of line.

The next day the electricity started tripping. So I phoned the project manager, explained the issue, and said that I thought something wasn't earthed properly. Mr Project Manager offered a number of ludicrous explanations, such as that the pool pump had suddenly developed a fault. I knew that couldn't be the case by a process of elimination, as I'd already tested all the switches on the distribution board.

After a visit from the electrician, it turned out that it was indeed an earthing problem. And the apology from Mr Project Manager? Well, let's just say I'm still waiting.

Mental Health and Being Patronized

My friend Bobby lives with PTSD. In his own words, "I couldn't stop crying! I had no reason to cry, but the tears kept flowing. I had to leave my office. I was worried and scared. I felt like I was going crazy. I headed for an empty boardroom where I wouldn't disturb anyone else, and I could try to think of what I should do."

While he was making calls to mental health associations to find help, his manager came in and asked what was wrong. Bobby didn't know. The manager, trained in mental health, started to empathize with him. She asked what she could do to help.

He recalls, "I said I didn't know. Her concern was palpable. Then the patronizing started. She began to tell me everything would be OK, and that I just needed to get ahold of myself."

She wanted to maintain a businesslike workplace, and it wasn't a priority to help Bobby. To make matters worse, she went and told everybody that he was dealing with "personal issues." Until then, they hadn't noticed he was gone.

"Patting me on the back and offering 'there, there' is not a solution, and just made me feel worse."

He manages his PTSD well now, but he's learned who to trust with his illness, and who will simply pat his back and tell him that "everything will be OK."

Being Patronizing Toward an Addict

Mandy's a recovering alcoholic. Her account of how she's patronized is jarring.

She explains, "Even after all these years, I still find it annoying when people 'do my thinking for me.' As a grateful recovering alcoholic, I appreciate the support and encouragement I have received (and still do) from others. What I do not appreciate is when people try to manage me or the situation when I am around. That does not feel kind or supportive. It feels controlling and patronizing."

She says that people assume they know what's best for her and attempt to control things, all by way of "protecting" her. She's had experiences where people either hid the fact that they were drinking alcohol or did not drink in front of her. And that was even when she'd explained to them that it's her responsibility to manage herself, and that she would remove herself from the situation if it became uncomfortable.

At other times, people have insisted on her drinking the nonalcoholic version of something so that she doesn't feel left out. She says, "What I find patronizing is their insistence for me to drink something just so that they feel as if I am part of the group. It is for their benefit and not mine. Even if the drinks do not contain alcohol, they still taste like the one that I used to drink."

Being Patronizing in an Organization

The organization Dulcie worked for was planning to launch a new product category into their stores. She had to manage the training and change management for their frontline associates for a product that most of them knew nothing about, and one that was governed by strict government regulations.

Dulcie had to build the project and change-management plan, as well as lead the learning design and execution (which were not her boss's strengths). As a senior manager in HR, and with years of experience in designing learning programs, the project was an excellent fit for her particular skill set. On this project, she reported directly to her VP.

He had no background in learning, yet insisted on being present when she met with the learning vendors. When discussing objectives and design elements with vendors, Dulcie's boss often challenged or overruled her. He blocked her from engaging other project stakeholders, and didn't invite her to key project meetings. She had to find other ways to get the critical information that she needed.

She recalls, "When members of the senior project team asked why I wasn't at the meeting, what was I to say? Meanwhile, I was the one who prepared the project updates and executed the administrative details. This is what my role on the project had become, at least from my boss's perspective. The whole experience was demeaning."

Savior Behavior

The #BLM movement has done much to drive forward conversations about race, equality and equity over the past year. But this has also opened up discussions about "savior behavior."

This is behavior that might seem kind, but can also be (and often is) patronizing. It's the "you won't survive if it wasn't for me" or "you will never get this right without my help" type of attitude. It's insidious, and does nobody good apart from the "savior" for whom it's often just an ego-boosting exercise.

The stories above clearly illustrate that patronizing behavior can take many different forms. We don't all experience it the same, it doesn't always present itself in the same way, and people's sensitivity to specific issues can differ significantly.

Are You Kind or Patronizing – and How Do You Know?

During the #MTtalk Twitter chat last Friday, we talked about the difference between being kind and being patronizing. Here are the questions we asked and some of your most insightful responses:

Q1. What does it mean to be patronizing? 

@PdJen For me it's to talk to someone in a tone that suggests they don't understand something as well as you do, even though they do. Sometimes the person being patronizing is actually the one who knows less!

@Jake_pryszlak You think you are being really nice but actually you think you are bigger than someone else. I feel like you typically see this when the younger generation can think of cool and new ideas, but someone else may want to show superiority.

Q2. When do you experience an action as "kind," and when do you experience it as "patronizing?"

@JKatzaman An action is kind if it feels like both parties are on equal footing. Patronizing makes you feel like you're back in kindergarten.

@SustainedLeader Kind people act from their heart without any expectation in return; in fact, they often give knowing the other person cannot reciprocate. Patronizing people expect a parade & great public recognition for their supposed kindness, like getting their name on a building!

Q3. When was the last time you felt patronized? What happened?

@llake This question hits a hot spot. I am patronized frequently in higher education settings. As though a PhD in a specific topic trumps my knowledge & expertise in the topic we're together to discuss. They aren't even cognizant that they do it.

@bluesummitsupp I recently felt very patronized in a professional roundtable on Zoom – I shared something I was working on, and was shut down with a lengthy list of reasons why that was a waste of time. This came from people who didn't know anything about my business or goals.

Q4. How does it feel when you're being patronized? Why does it make you feel that way?

@ZalkaB Usually like a child scolded or a toddler that needs to be put in his/her space. It's usually connected to the fact that it's humiliating, especially when it's done publicly or in front or a bigger audience.

@lg217 The feeling sucks when you are patronized. I feel like people take what I am saying and either dismiss it or turn [it in] a negative way. It's never good when you speak your mind and people don't take it seriously and just push it aside like it's nothing.

Q5. Do you think that some people are more likely to find something patronizing? And if so, why?

@Yolande_MT Yes, and I'm one of them. I'm very sensitive to being patronized by men who think women know nothing about technical, electrical or mechanical subjects.

@sentientones Comments on complexion and abilities are more likely to be found patronizing.

Q6. When have you caught yourself being patronizing toward someone else? What happened?

@MicheleDD_MT With a person who was much younger than I & with little experience. As soon as the words came out, I apologized.

@DhongdeSupriya Under the pretext of help, the tendency to rescue.

Q7 Why is "savior behavior" patronizing? How can you still be helpful without falling into the trap of "savior behavior"?

@HloniphileDlam7 Savior behavior can make it difficult for those being helped to make [their] own decisions.

@ColfaxInsurance The idea that the other person can't handle their own problems/life and that you are sacrificing something to help them – in a lot of cases time or money. Let the other person come to their own rescue first – a lot of times we have to hit bottom before going back up.

Q8. How does patronizing behavior affect employees in the workplace?

@Dwyka_Consult If someone patronizes me I find it very difficult to trust them. Without trust, the workplace becomes harsh terrain.

@Midgie_MT It undermines their abilities. Plus, detrimental to the morale by always telling people how to do their jobs, which they already know how to do.

Q9. What could you do to avoid being patronizing when delivering feedback or advice?

@TwinkleEduCons Pose it as a question ("Have you thought of... ?") and be mindful of manner, tone and approach. Often if we are clear about our intention when we communicate something, we won't come across as patronizing. Communicate without ego or a need to "prove."

@SustainedLeader A leader always builds their team up and gives them challenging assignments that might well be above their current capability level, but you have to let them grow. Delegating to others shows your confidence in them and helps them grow. Patronizing kills that.

Q10. How can you deal with someone who is being patronizing toward you or others?

@SizweMoyo I usually respond by questioning the parts I find patronizing – "what do you mean by __?" Sometimes, we don't even realize that we're being as toxic as we are.

@bluesummitsupp At our company, it's baked into our culture that patronizing is not ok, and we have written documentation of expected behaviors with examples. In our culture of transparency, when you make someone feel less-than, you're going to hear about it immediately.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat here.

Coming Up

People sometimes unintentionally patronize others. The same thing happens with the language we choose to use. Some words and phrases have connotations that are divisive – yet we don't always realize it.

In our next #MTtalk chat, we're going to discuss language that divides, and how to become more aware of it. In our poll this week, we want to know which examples of divisive language you're most aware of. To see the poll and cast your vote, please click here.

Resources

In the meantime, here are some resources to explore strategies for communicating better. Some of them may only be available in full to members of the Mind Tools Club.

Managing Arrogant People

Eldred's Power Strategies

Preventing Manager Dependency

Dealing With Bossy Co-Workers

Conflict Resolution

Building Trust

Winning by Giving

Managing Gifted People

How to Be Assertive

Managing Your Boundaries

Managing Dominant People

The post Are You Kind or Patronizing? – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

And yet people danced from their balconies, hung rainbows in their windows, and clapped for key workers. As we were ordered to "stay at home," we baked banana bread, waved to our neighbors, and played board games.

Despite all the doom and gloom, we developed gratitude, and learned to appreciate the little things.

Why Is Gratitude Important?

Being grateful doesn't simply mean putting on a brave face or pretending all is right with the world. Instead, gratitude helps you to connect with your surroundings and appreciate even the smallest positives.

Gratitude enables you to approach problems with a fresh and positive mindset. In fact, studies have shown that gratitude can help you to manage stress, sleep better, and even fight illness and disease.

When it feels as if the world is tumbling into chaos, gratitude is key to remaining centered and finding joy in the ordinary.

What Are You Grateful For?

For many, lockdown has been a chance to slow down and take stock of what really matters. So, we took to social media to find what you, our friends and followers, are grateful for. Here's a selection of your responses:

A Roof Over Your Head

A common theme was having a place to call "home." As lockdown hit, our houses and apartments became schools, offices, gyms, and cinemas. Dining tables transformed into desks, and gardens became more valuable than ever.

Twitter follower Shruti Deshpande described being "grateful for the basics… a safe home, warm food on the table."

For many, lockdown has been a lonely experience. Facebook friend Davina Woods found comfort in her home. "As an orphaned, widowed empty-nester, becoming more content with my house and seeing it as a home for my pets, plants and myself is what I am grateful for in 2020."

Virtual Connections

If you're anything like me, you'll have sworn at your patchy Wi-Fi or slammed your laptop shut in frustration on more than one occasion.

But for all the grief that technology causes us, it has undoubtedly become a lifeline in this past year. Not only has it kept many in work, but it has also provided much-needed social connections.

LinkedIn follower Kath P. has found it "... vital to have that alternate way to maintain human connectedness and overcome the negative impact of isolation."

Grateful For Family

Unsurprisingly, time spent with loved ones has been in high demand lately. Lockdown has helped many of us to appreciate the privilege of family and the value of good friends.

Twitter follower Susmitha Manav described the "simple joys of being together." And on LinkedIn, Joshua Hardy was grateful for the opportunity to connect with his family. "We have spent more time together and have built stronger bonds with each other."

Small Acts of Kindness

But gratitude isn't a one-way street. You can help to cultivate gratitude in others with "random acts of kindness." Sending a bunch of flowers, helping a busy co-worker, or taking time to listen to a friend in need, are small but powerful ways to show your appreciation and help others to see the positives in their own lives.

After a turbulent year, what are you thankful for? And have your priorities shifted as a result of the pandemic? Share your thoughts in the comment section, below!

The post What Are You Grateful For? – Your Responses appeared first on Mind Tools.

Thought of three? Good. Hold onto those memories. In a moment, I'm going to make some predictions about them – after I've shared a few recollections of my own.

Cabs, Cold Mornings, and Cinnamon Toast

When I tried this experiment, my mind took me to a rainy roadside, and a day when I was slogging home with a heavy bag of groceries. As a fairly fit young student, I was used to walking everywhere, but even I was struggling with the horizontal rain and a sodden, ready-to-burst bag.

And then a cab driver pulled up alongside me. "You're look like you could do with a lift," he said. "Let me take you home – no charge."

Another time, mid winter, when my wife and I were particularly exhausted with our young family, a neighbor appeared at the door as we were still struggling to clear away breakfast. She explained that she'd scraped the ice from our car's windshield when she was doing her own. "I'm happy to do that every morning, too – if it helps?"

And my third memory goes back to one of my first jobs. I'd just finished a particularly gruelling early shift, when my boss – who rarely even spoke to me the rest of the time – announced out of the blue that he was buying me breakfast. "You deserve this," he said, "after the morning you've had!"

I can taste that delicious cinnamon toast now. More importantly, I still vividly remember the impact of his kindness.

The Power of Kindness

Now think about the three acts of kindness you remembered. Here are those predictions I promised.

First, I'm confident that you found this task easy. Acts of kindness like these, especially when they're a surprise, are affecting and memorable. The Random Acts of Kindness Foundation website contains many hundreds of similar examples. It seems that everyone remembers times when they were boosted by a good deed, however small, however long ago.

Second, I bet remembering yours felt good. Witnessing acts of kindness, even through the lens of memory, produces oxytocin, which helps to lower blood pressure, increases optimism, and boosts self-esteem. Kindness also bumps up the production of serotonin, which in turn makes you feel happy and relaxed.

And third, I predict that this task has got you thinking. I wouldn't be surprised if you're already considering random acts of kindness that you might be able to do. Because kindness is contagious. It's hard to think of a good deed you've enjoyed without being inspired to do one yourself.

Random Acts of Kindness

The organizers of Random Acts of Kindness Week have already persuaded 30,818 people to join in, aged from 14-89, in 87 countries around the world. They call these people RAKtivists, and they're keen to recruit more.

Here at Mind Tools, we also believe that everyone's actions make a difference. What's more, good deeds shouldn't feel difficult. They don't have to cost anything, and you don't even need to like the person you help! But, by doing something for them, you stand the chance of improving their day – maybe even making them feel a bit better about themselves.

You create connections, strengthen teams, and improve the atmosphere. You play your part in what could become a kindness revolution.

Nice Surprises

I still believe it's important that these random acts are... well, random. Yes, we should always be looking to have a good impact through our jobs, helping our neighbors, scheduling treats for our teams at work. But very often it's the one-off, out-of-the-blue opportunities that have the greatest power.

So keep your eyes open. Spot when you're in the right place at the right time to do something nice. A good trick is to ask yourself what would mean something to you, if you were in the other person's shoes.

Make sure that you don't have any ulterior motives. After all, this isn't about personal gain, or getting someone to "owe you one." And sometimes you'll need to say why you're doing something nice, to avoid suspicion and put people at their ease.

But your random acts can be as simple as bringing in cake for colleagues, swapping queue places with a stranger in a rush, or even just surprising someone with a smile. With the right mindset, you'll notice all sorts of ways to be kind.

#MakeKindnessTheNorm

Thinking about this has definitely energized me to do some RAKtivism of my own. I reckon I'm fairly good most of the time. But let's see what happens if I step things up a bit this week, and try to make my acts a bit more random, more impactful – and more memorable.

Instead of just making someone a coffee, is there a quick task I could help them with – so that they have time to actually finish their drink for once?

Perhaps there's someone I know who's struggling at the moment? If I was them, what might make me feel that someone had noticed – and cared?

Releasing My Inner RAKtivist

Maybe I can even develop habits that will last beyond Sunday! It can't hurt to try. And if I get it right, it won't only be the people I'm kind to who benefit.

A recent study showed that people with generous attitudes are the happiest overall. And RAKtivism has been linked to other health benefits. Researcher Christine Carter, from the University of California, Berkeley, reports that people who volunteer regularly have a 44 percent lower likelihood of dying early.

Kindness seems to have serious knock-on effects. Do a good deed for someone and you feel better about yourself, they feel looked after, and even bystanders notice the world's brightness going up a notch.

Will it make them more likely to "pay it forward" themselves – creating a sort of "domino effect" of kindness? I certainly hope so.

After all, if I predicted right, you're already planning a bit of RAKtivism yourself!

Random Acts of Kindness Week 2020

Why not take some time this week to check out the Mind Tools Random Acts of Kindness article and video, for more ideas about sampling life as a RAKtivist?

And we'd love to hear about the good deeds you've already done – plus any times when you were on the receiving end. Did these attempts at kindness always have the desired effect? And what's your message to others during Random Acts of Kindness Week?

Please be kind enough to share your experiences and insights in the comments section, below!

The post Random Acts of Kindness Week – Are You Ready to Be a RAKtivist? appeared first on Mind Tools.

Please join us!

What: #MTtalk

Where: Twitter

When: Friday, Feb 17 @ 1pm EST (6pm GMT)

Topic: Is It Criticism or Feedback?

Host: @Mind_Tools

About this week’s chat

"Long after your words are forgotten, people still remember how you made them feel." – Maya Angelou

The other morning my husband and I overslept and woke up with a fright. I was lecturing and he was out of town for the day, so neither one of us could afford to arrive at our destinations late. We hurried out the house and left it in a bit of a mess – something I hate doing.

I was first to arrive home. When I opened the front door I was confronted with the untidiness. As I walked down the passage to my study and then to my bedroom, I couldn't help noticing everything that was out of place. Before long, I was thoroughly irritated with my less-than-perfect house, and with my still absent husband, too. I'd started seeing everything that he was normally responsible for that he hadn't taken care of.

In my head, I started talking to him in a very critical voice, telling him about everything he hadn't done that he should have done. The longer the "conversation" continued, the more wrongs I identified. At the same time I was telling myself that it wasn't about us being late that morning, but that he simply didn't care about the state of the house. I was now in full-blown Critical Angry Wife mode and ready to spew a stream of criticism when he got home.

I love cooking and, as I prepared dinner, I gradually calmed down. Loving Kind Wife appeared in my head and started reasoning with Critical Angry Wife.  Have I not learned from past experience that spewing criticism only makes us argue? Yes, I have. And don't I know that simply giving him feedback nicely about the effect of a bigger workload on me makes him jump to action? Yes, I do. So why would I want to go about it in a way that will only make him defensive and uncooperative? I don't know. Perhaps it would satisfy me just for a moment... but then the damage would be done.

Fortunately I came to my senses before he arrived home. Suffice to say, feedback was given and action was taken. And to think I almost ruined a perfectly good evening with my tongue!

Do You Hear Feedback or Criticism at Work?

In our recent Twitter poll we asked people if they received feedback or criticism when learning a new skill at work. While 42 percent of people said they received feedback, 39 percent felt that what they received was disguised criticism.

In our #MTtalk Twitter chat this week we're asking, "Is It Criticism or Feedback?" We'd like to hear how you differentiate between the two and what your thoughts are on giving and receiving feedback. The following questions may spark some thoughts in preparation for the chat:

• Is criticism the same thing as feedback. Why?
• How does criticism make you feel?
• How does feedback make you feel?
• How can you ensure that you don't confuse the feedback you receive, with criticism?
• When giving feedback, how can you make sure it doesn't sound like criticism?
• What can you do to make receiving criticism from others more bearable?
• Why do you think people criticize others?
• How can you make the shift from criticizing to giving feedback?

Resources

To help you prepare for the chat, we've compiled a list of resources for you to browse.

Dealing with Unfair Criticism

Criticism Can Empower

Standing up for Your People

Managing Perfectionists

How to Give Feedback

Understanding Communication Skills

Cognitive Restructuring

Dweck's Mindsets

At Mind Tools, we like hearing from people all over the globe. So we invite you to share your thoughts and experiences around feedback and criticism in the #MTtalk chat this Friday at 1pm EST (6pm GMT). Remember, we feature great participant responses right here on our blog every week!

How to join

Follow us on Twitter to make sure you don’t miss out on any of the action this Friday! We’ll be tweeting out questions during our hour-long chat. To participate in the chat, type #MTtalk in the Twitter search function. Then, click on “All Tweets” and you’ll be able to follow the live chat feed. You can join the chat by using the hashtag #MTtalk in your responses.

The post Is Feedback Just Thinly Disguised Criticism? appeared first on Mind Tools.