How Not to Apologize

In the leadership module that I teach at university, we place much emphasis on the ability to apologize, because people simply don't trust leaders who can't apologize. Also, they need to apologize correctly. That implies that there's a right and a wrong way to apologize.

And in private practice, when working with couples, I've often heard one of the gripes being the way the other person apologizes. The almost standard tagline is: "If she/he says it like this, they don't mean it." (The language is usually slightly more colorful.) Or, "If they say it like that, it's not an apology."

At work, and in our personal relationships, apologies can go wrong because our tone of voice or body language conveys reluctance to apologize. Not to even mention how wrong it can go in an email! The problem with the latter is that you can't see the person or hear them – all you can go by is the words and the tone of the email. (Yes, emails do have a tone of voice.)

Apology No-Nos and Do-Overs

While a sincere apology can repair damage to your relationships and reputation, a bad or false apology can fan the flames and do even more harm than the very thing you're apologizing for! So, here are some common apology mistakes, and how to avoid them:

Mistake 1: An apology with a "but" is not an apology – it's a justification or an explanation, and you're not likely to learn from the experience. "I'm sorry, but I was in a bad space," might sound like an apology, but it's a justification.

Instead, say, "I'm sorry for what I said/did. I was in a bad space, but that didn’t make it OK for me to put you on the receiving end. How can I make it up to you?"

Mistake 2: An apology that begins well but ends poorly is not an apology – it's often argumentative. "I'm sorry I did it. It happened because of how you spoke to me…" Can you hear the toxic cycle of a new argument being born here? I certainly can!

Instead, try: "I'm sorry I said that. Even though I didn't like your tone of voice, it wasn't necessary for me to react to it. How can we do it differently in future?" (We need to understand that it is a two-way street at times, without apportioning blame.)

Mistake 3: Then there's the old intent issue… "I'm sorry, it was never my intent to hurt you." I'm not sure what you're apologizing for if you say this. It wasn't your intent that hurt me – it was your action, and that's what you should be apologizing for. No one argued your intent.

It's more effective to say, "I'm sorry for what I did and that I caused you hurt. What can I do to make it better?"

Mistake 4: The passive–aggressive apology is particularly cruel. It may sound like this: "I'm sorry you feel that way." Here's the problem: you can't be sorry for how another person feels – it's a way of using the words "I'm sorry," but without any investment in the apology.

If you're truly sorry, say, "I'm sorry my words/actions had such an effect on you. I will be more aware of what I say and how I say it in future."

An apology needs to be sincere. It needs to show that the person apologizing is taking responsibility for what they did or said, showing remorse, and sharing how they intend to make amends going forward.

After the Apology

This might shock you: an apology is not enough. An apology is but the first step. After the apology, it's necessary to show, by how you speak and behave, that you're putting in the work to change.

An apology without change is lip service. I call it window-dressing. You want to make it look right without actually fixing it – that's a time-consuming and pointless exercise.

Being able to apologize sincerely, without getting defensive or huffy, is a sign of maturity and strength. It shows that you're not too big or important to be vulnerable, too.

So, just apologize – it'll take the sting out of it. (Thanks, Mom!)

Let's Continue the Conversation!

We'll be hosting an #MTtalk Twitter chat on Wednesday, June 19 @ 12 noon ET. Anyone can join! Follow us on Twitter, type #MTtalk in the Twitter search function, and click on "Latest" – you'll then be able to follow the live chat feed. You can participate chat by using the hashtag #MTtalk in your responses. 

On Thursday, June 20 at 11 a.m. ET, members of our Career Community Facebook group will be able to join a 20-minute Facebook live conversation and question session. 

Then on Friday, June 21, we will release a short coaching video on our Mind Tools Coaching Hub on LinkedIn which is exclusive to Mind Tools members.  

We'd love to hear from you in any of these channels. Please share your thoughts, anecdotes and ideas with us on the topic of apologies.

If you liked this blog, you may be interested in the following resources:

How to Apologize
Mutual Respect
Toxic: A Guide to Rebuilding Respect and Tolerance in a Hostile Workplace
Keeping Your Word at Work
8 Keys to Eliminating Passive-Aggressiveness
Authenticity

About the Author:

Yolandé has been part of the Mind Tools team since 2008 and she uses her 20+ years of experience as a therapist, coach, facilitator, and business school lecturer to help people develop their careers and live up to their potential. She thrives on facilitating conversations designed to build bridges between people by using creative questioning and thinking techniques. You might mistake her for a city girl, but Yolandé is an honorary game ranger, loves birding, archaeology, and spending time in the African bush. Early morning runs with her rottweiler and reading (a lot) are her favorite activities. And, her neighbors will tell you that she loves the kitchen and it gives her joy to "bake" people happy. 

The post The Anatomy of Apologies appeared first on Mind Tools.

June marks Pride Month for the U.K., U.S. and Australia. And yet, despite progress and increased public support for LGBTQ+ equality in recent times, many people who belong to the community are still discriminated against, in the workplace and outside of it.

In fact, according to data collected by the Human Rights Campaign Foundation, 46 percent of people are still closeted at work. Some of the main reasons for this are fear of being stereotyped (38 percent), worries over making others feel uncomfortable (36 percent), and concerns about losing friends (31 percent).

In many territories across the world, being or behaving in a way that implies you're LGBTQ+ can still have severe consequences. In fact, 71 countries still criminalize same-sex relationships, with eight countries even using the death penalty as a punishment. And in more than half of the world, LGBTQ+ people are not protected from discrimination by workplace law.

LGBTQ+ Equality and the Workplace

One of the few spaces that can have real impact in improving LGBTQ+ equality is the workplace. And unsurprisingly, being an LGBTQ+ inclusive employer is great for business too. It "positively impacts recruitment, retention, engagement and, overall, total revenue" according to the Human Rights Campaign Foundation. But it takes effort – and it's not only up to LGBTQ+ colleagues to change the workplace culture. It's up to the rest of us, too.

Often – far too often – we tend to tell ourselves, "What can I do?" or, "It's none of my business." We might think we're too ignorant or out of the loop to really understand the things that impact our LGBTQ+ colleagues. We might be worried that we'll make a mistake and cause offense, without intending to. We might even think that the war for equality has been won, now that same-sex marriage is legal (in some territories), and other rights activists are openly doing more to achieve equality in legislation.

But allies to the community are key to long-term transformation. This is particularly the case in workplaces, where co-workers and supervisors can use their influence to change mindsets, call out negative stereotyping and discrimination, and celebrate the uniqueness and diversity of colleagues.

Being an Ally to LGBTQ+ Colleagues

You don't have to be a member of the LGBTQ+ community to support it. It's not even difficult to do. It takes respect, and the ability to listen (properly listen without interrupting) and learn.

So, if you want to show your support but aren't sure how to do it, here are a few things you can do to become a true ally to your LGBTQ+ colleagues:

1. Learn About LGBTQ+ Life

Pride Month is a great opportunity to learn! So why not take some time to discover the story behind how Pride started? Or learn more about some of the key figures who changed the course of LGBTQ+ history?

Brush up on terms, too. We use the term LGBTQ+ frequently, but do you actually know what it stands for? LGBTQ+ is an initialism for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer, while the "plus" includes other sexualities and identities, such as pansexual, intersex and asexual. While the term is relatively new, remember that LGBTQ+ people have always existed – from way before this term became popular!

Over the years, Pride has become much more diverse to encompass many different sexualities and identities, some of which are still not fully understood. This can at times feel confusing (there's a lot to learn!). To help out, we've produced a handy infographic that includes some of the different Pride flags and what they represent:

It's also important to remember that the LGBTQ+ community itself differs in opinions and beliefs, sometimes widely and strongly. Be open and respectful to these varied opinions. As long as they're not hurtful or abusive, they can tell you a lot about the unique perspectives of the LGBTQ+ community and the issues facing it.

2. Avoid Assumptions

Unless a colleague specifically mentions their sexual orientation, it's unprofessional and inconsiderate to make assumptions. After all, you may be wrong. There's no way of knowing whether someone is LGBTQ+ without asking them. Assuming that you have "gaydar" can actually perpetuate harmful stereotypes.

Even if you know that one of your colleagues is LGBTQ+, it's important to let them decide if and when they want to let others know. They may be very private. Keep in mind that they need to make this decision repeatedly – whenever they start a new job or meet new people.

Avoid putting your LGBTQ+ colleagues in the uncomfortable position of speaking for the whole group. Just because your colleague is transgender doesn't mean that they want to talk about transgender issues all the time, or that they're some kind of spokesperson for the transgender community.

3. Use Inclusive Language

Use language that recognizes that people have diverse lifestyles, relationships and families. For example, instead of asking about someone's "husband" or "wife," you could ask about their "partner." Or instead of "mom" and "dad," say "parent."

If you still aren't sure what terms you should be using, ask! This is a sign of respect and an easy way to demonstrate your support for LGBTQ+ colleagues.

No matter how well-intentioned you are, chances are you've used gendered words in the workplace. But using non-inclusive words regularly can have a negative impact on people who already feel that they don't fit in to what's perceived to be the "norm."

Just think about the following phrases:

• guys and gals.
• ladies and gentlemen.
• brothers and sisters.
• sir/madam.
• he/she.

The above are gender assumptive. They only recognize two main genders, but the truth is that some people don't belong to either. They might be gender fluid or non-binary. So try using more inclusive language instead, such as:

• friends and colleagues.
• esteemed guests.
• they/them.
• everyone.

4. Be Respectful of Pronouns

The pronouns that we use (he or she or they) are tied intrinsically to our identity. So it's important that we get these right – particularly when it comes to our colleagues.

Some people may be trans; others may be gender neutral. And yet, far too often people assume pronouns for other people. Often this is reflexive, but getting it wrong can cause people upset (even if it's unintentional). So, if you're unsure, ask someone, "What's your personal pronoun?" This is an open, low-pressure question that allows someone who's in the process of transitioning or has already transitioned to affirm their identity.

You can also do your bit by updating your own pronouns in visible spaces – for example, on social media profiles, or on internal communication platforms, via your IM profile and email signature. Doing this supports trans and non-binary people by normalizing gender identity and expression.

5. Tackle Discrimination and Harassment

Intolerance in the workplace can take the form of overt abuse or microaggressions. Obviously, overt abuse and harassment have no place in the workplace, and a zero-tolerance approach should be taken.

Pinpointing and dealing with microaggressions can be more tricky. According to professor of psychology Dr Kevin L. Nadal, microaggressions are "commonplace verbal, behavioral, or environmental actions that communicate hostility toward oppressed or targeted groups."

They might seem like small things; but, over time, they can have a serious impact on a person's physical and mental wellbeing. Furthermore, ignoring them can serve to perpetuate inequality and undermine inclusion.

Common examples of microaggressions are things like, "You don't look gay," or, "How did you turn gay?" They can also include misgendering, tokenization, failure to acknowledge LGBTQ+ relationships, or exclusion from social groups.

When perpetrators are called out on their behavior, they might qualify it with things like, "You're being oversensitive," or, "I was just joking." This can make it tricky to tackle this kind of behavior. Dr Nadal suggests victims or witnesses ask themselves five questions to help them decide how to respond:

• If I respond, could my physical safety be in danger?
• If I respond, will the person become defensive, and will this lead to an argument?
• If I respond, how will this affect my relationship with this person?
• If I don't respond, will I regret not saying something?
• If I don't respond, does that convey that I accept the behavior or statement?

If you do decide to take action, respond assertively rather than aggressively. Calmly talk to the person about how their words and behavior have affected you. Use "I" statements such as, "I think what you just said was very hurtful," instead of attacking statements like, "You're homophobic," which will likely cause the person to become defensive.

Finally, seek support! If you feel that microaggressions are constant and persistent, even when you've done your best to address them, you may need to make a formal complaint to HR. Also, talk to your allies – people who you know to be trustworthy and who will listen to you without judgment. Share with them the emotional impact of the situation and how it's affected you. This can be crucial in allowing you to work through negative feelings that the microaggression has caused, such as low self-confidence or self-worth, anger, and even depression.

Do you know of more ways we can support our LGBTQ+ co-workers? What do you expect from a good ally? You might be interested in the following resources:

Diversity at Work Video
Mutual Respect
Toxic: A Guide to Rebuilding Respect and Tolerance in a Hostile Workplace
The Diversity Bonus: How Great Teams Pay Off in the Knowledge Economy
Understanding the Bystander Effect

About the Author:

Lucy has over 10 years’ experience writing, editing and commissioning content. She has a keen interest in supporting inclusion and diversity, and chairs Mind Tools' neurodiversity panel. Lucy also heads up Mind Tools’ video learning series, and particularly enjoys exploring and experimenting with new video formats. When she’s not producing fantastic new learning content, she can be found enjoying nature with her two kids and delving into the latest book on her very long reading list!

The post 5 Ways to Support Your LGBTQ+ Colleagues appeared first on Mind Tools.

When I made that decision, the universe probably smiled, nodded, and said, "We'll see." Many years later I met and married my second husband – who had two teenage children. Although they never lived with us full-time, they did occasionally come on vacation with us or spend time with us when we visited their hometown.

Anybody who steps into a parenting role feels somewhat uncertain; stepping into the role of a stepmom was one of the scariest things I've ever done. I had no experience as a biological parent, and the only experience I could draw on was being a dog mom!

Fortunately, we've never had an argument or a tense atmosphere because they're perfect children and we're perfect parents. So, that's all for today, folks! Nothing interesting to see here. We all lived happily ever after... I wish.

To be honest, we've had some stormy times when we all have had to navigate rough waters.

I knew from my line of work that if we didn't have guiding principles, it would put a lot of strain on our marriage. Early on, we decided that we would present a united front when we needed to deal with potentially difficult issues with the children.

Parenting: Work Experience Works

From day one, we expected the children to have good manners in our house, and I've never tolerated them being disrespectful to their father in front of me. I also undertook to be my husband's "voice of reason" when emotions ran high for him.

They're adults now, so how we interact with them has changed, but we still stick to our guiding principles.

I also draw on my work experience to help me be the best "gift mom" I can be, and the following strategies have been immensely helpful.

My Parenting Top Tips

Always have open and honest, yet respectful, conversations. It's in those conversations that we develop an understanding of one another's hurts, expectations, boundaries, and vulnerabilities.

Don't let an issue fester. If something bothers you, speak up immediately if the place and time are right, otherwise as soon as the time is right. Things don't just disappear on their own if you pretend they didn't happen. Quite the opposite.

Be accountable for what you did/didn't do. Blame-shifting, justification and denial won't fix the problem. Take accountability for what you did and do better next time. It has a higher success rate.

"Imperfect parenting moments turn into gifts as our children watch us try to figure out what went wrong."

Brené Brown, American professor, lecturer and author

Understand how trust works. Deposit as much as you can into the trust account by doing things like apologizing when you're wrong, keeping your word, not being two-faced, and being transparent.

Listen to one another with your heart, your mind and your ears. If people feel unheard, they feel disrespected.

Be considerate and respectful. Good manners will never get you into trouble!

And even though they're my gift children and they're adults, one of the hardest things to do is to step back, let go, and let them live their lives the way they choose to.

Getting Close by Letting Go

My fellow Mind Tools coach Mike Barzacchini shares that sentiment, and he calls it "Lessons in Letting Go." He says, "As a parent, I tried to hold on, but I learned that parenting is often about learning to let go.

"Sure, when our son was a baby, we held on tight, keeping him close in our hug. As he started to crawl, then walk, I received my first lesson in letting him go within the safe boundaries of our home, our yard, the playground, and eventually school.

"As my son became a teen and a young adult, we negotiated wider boundaries. I needed to grow my trust in myself and in him.

"Letting go built closer bonds and a stronger relationship between my son and me. Were there missteps, mistakes, and sometimes hard lessons? Of course. But each came with the opportunity to grow.

Trusting Your Team

"Letting go is active. It's not ignoring or walking away. It involves listening, learning, being present, and being available. It's communicating that I support your efforts. I'm here when you need me. Which means I will help, not hinder.

"I reflect on these same lessons as a manager. So I resist the urge to hold on to control, to my idea, to directing the project with a tight hand. Instead, I let go. I trust the talent and judgment of my team members. And by letting go, we build a stronger team and produce better work.

"Maybe the bigger lesson is this: the more we trust ourselves, the more we are able to trust and support others, as parent, partner, co-worker, and manager. And the more we come to see the active process of letting go as a strength that can benefit any relationship."

Parenting and Work: Changing Perspectives

During our recent #MTtalk Twitter chat, we discussed different perspectives and attitudes when applying parenting skills in the workplace. Here are all the questions we asked, and some of the best responses:

Q1. Can you build a career and a family at the same time?

@Midgie_MT Definitely yes you can build both at the same time. I believe it helps to have a good support system in place, both at home and in the workplace, to help with managing things.

@J_Stephens_CPA Absolutely yes! It's easier when your company supports you. And it's great to see more companies supporting women in their roles of career and family now, too (but still more work to be done there).

Q2. How does becoming a parent change the way you approach your work and career?

@ColfaxInsurance My husband and I have been seriously discussing having children and these are the big questions we've had: how will this affect our careers? What do we need to do to accommodate kids? What is our work willing to do to accommodate us?

@ZalaB_MT I think it depends on many levels – from the type of work you do, your schedule and your attitude towards work. As a parent, I'm rethinking my work-life balance daily. I know my priorities at work, but I need to align them with my parenting "duties" and care.

Since becoming a parent my boundaries are a lot more solid when it comes to working commitments. I am more adamant about saying no [to] things I can't fit into my schedule. I'm also more "let's get to the point" because I'm much more cautious with time.

And since becoming a (working) mum I've given myself some slack. I limit the number of things to put on my to-do list and will not allow my work time to eat into my private life so much anymore. Afternoons are allowed for "us time with my daughter," and work can wait.

Q3. What negative feelings do you experience as a working parent?

@MikeB_MT I'm not sure if "negative" is the correct feeling. But there's always a friction to do "more and better" both at work and home. The truth is we're human with limited energies and resources. That's why it's important to seek balance.

@SoniaH_MT I'd imagine the negative feelings working parents experience include: guilt (for not being as available as you'd like); separation anxiety (new baby leave time is too short); inadequacy (wanting to give your child more but cannot).

Q4. What's the best thing about being a working parent?

@Yolande_MT If I had to speculate, it's probably the feeling of accomplishment that you're taking good care of the children you brought into the world (or adopted) by providing a secure environment. Maybe it's that you get to go home to a little person that thinks the world of you? (That's before the teenager emerges who thinks you're the most embarrassing person on earth… LOL)

@MikeB_MT I try to bring experiences from both sides of my life into the other. It's wonderful to celebrate the parents and families of my co-workers. When I started in my job, our son was four. Now he's 26 and I've seen so many of my colleagues start and grow their families.

Q5. When have work and parenting clashed for you? What did you do to cope?

@ZalaB_MT Work and parenting clash daily! You cope daily, finding solutions and getting through the hurdles and setbacks. I'm grateful to have the freelance type of work and to have great clients who understand and a supportive family – to arrange things when needed.

@SoniaH_MT The first parenting & work clashes that come to mind would be about unscheduled leave: needing to take off from work at a moment's notice for your child's school's early closing or delayed opening, or child's health or disciplinary issues.

Q6. "It takes a village to raise a child." Does that also apply in the workplace when you have a new employee?

@SarahH_MT I love that comparison. We should absolutely recognize it takes the "workplace village" to ensure new staff are properly settled in. Too often it's left to HR or the line manager but everyone should make sure new staff are nurtured and feel loved.

@ColfaxInsurance Oh definitely! Introducing a new member to the team and its atmosphere, settling them into their particular role, training, and helping them find their rhythm in the group is an all-hands-on-deck situation.

Q7. What does it mean to "parent" a team member? When should you do it – and when shouldn't you?

@Midgie_MT Sometimes we can all have child-like behaviors so having a firm "adult" approach to the situation sometimes is needed. Yet, it is not a manager's responsibility to "parent" their employees.

@ColfaxInsurance "Parenting" a team member is to take on a mentoring sort of role. If they're struggling and you have the ability to help, by all means, offer your expertise. If they don't want it though, back off. I can also see this becoming an issue with the "parented" team member becoming complacent/co-dependent/lazy because the "parenting" member does everything for them.

Q8. What parenting strategies/skills that you use for your children also work for your team?

@Dwyka_Consult It's learning to balance push and pull, holding on and letting go, being there without smothering, showing care without being patronizing or overbearing.

@J_Stephens_CPA Encouraging them when things don't go right the first time. Accepting when they "fail" at something new. We don't expect the kids to be perfect, we shouldn't expect it of anyone (including ourselves says the "recovering" perfectionist).

Q9. What have you learned about parenting that's made you a better co-worker, and what have you learned working with others that's made you a better parent?

@Midgie_MT Although not a parent, I've certainly learned when good is good enough, when doing something to the best of my abilities is fine and to let go of perfectionism.

@Yolande_MT Parenting taught me to keep in mind that the child's experience of a situation isn't the same as mine – and it's something I should consider when interacting with them. Working with people taught me that every coin has two sides – and very often they're not "right" or "wrong," just different. Ditto the kids.

Q10. How can we best support people in parenting roles?

@SarahH_MT Shouldn't we best support people by asking them how we can best support them? We don't need to overcomplicate it, just remember that what they may need is likely to be different to what a non-parent needs. Treat people as individuals with individual lives.

@J_Stephens_CPA So much of my office came together around us when my youngest was 18 and spent that January in the hospital. Gift cards for meals, visits to see and encourage him (the hospital was around the corner from my office). Allowing me to work remote part of the day.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat here.

Coming Up on #MTtalk

Good parents demonstrate the importance of "fair play" by showing their children how to learn from their losses and celebrate their successes. Leaders model this behavior with their teams. During our next chat, we're going to talk about hilarious career moments.

In our Twitter poll this week, we'd like to know what the biggest benefit of humor in the workplace is.

Parenting and Work Resources

Please note that you'll need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the resources in full.

Managing Working Parents

Combining Parenthood and Work

Working Moms and Daddy Day Care – the Hidden Side of Co-Parenting

Handling Long-Term Absences in Your Team

Getting a Good Night's Sleep

Putting Your Parenting Skills to Work

Transactional Analysis

How Should Organizations Treat Working Parents?

How to Juggle Caregiving Responsibilities and Work

Can You Be a Good Leader and a Good Parent?

The post Parenting and Work: Changing Perspectives – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

While the answers given may highlight some uncomfortable truths, it's important to know if people are supported to be themselves, and whether opportunities to contribute and develop are truly open to all.

What Is "Inclusive Inclusivity?"

Being inclusive allows everyone to feel valued and accepted without having to conform to a particular organizational norm. Inclusive organizations support their staff to do their best work, regardless of background, circumstance or culture.

And importantly, inclusion is about valuing difference, rather than merely tolerating it. It's about creating a positive environment where everyone can contribute.

In preparing for the upcoming #MTtalk Twitter chat, Community Manager Yolande Conradie coined the phrase "inclusive inclusivity" to capture the idea that, to be truly inclusive, we must make sure that we're inclusive of absolutely everyone, regardless of culture, circumstance or background.

The term comes from the observation that, sometimes, well-intentioned efforts to include particular groups or individuals can inadvertently exclude others.

Adopting an Inclusive Mindset

In order to achieve true inclusivity, we first have to adopt an inclusive mindset. When we detect an imbalance in the workforce, it may be tempting to adopt strategies that will tip the scales back.

However, not only could this approach unintentionally alienate other team members, but even the very groups we're aiming to support may feel patronized.

Instead of surface-level fixes, we need to get to the root of the issue and embed inclusivity into organizational values and behaviors.

Inclusivity In Action

How Inclusive Are Your Events?

U.S.-based Mind Tools Coach, Sonia Harris, is an event manager, and has been reflecting on what inclusive inclusivity looks like for those with disabilities. Following an event, Sonia suggests getting feedback from attendees who use wheelchairs or who are visually or hearing impaired. This will ensure that efforts to be inclusive translate into reality.

Sonia believes that planning is essential for achieving genuine inclusion at events. For example, when conducting a site inspection for a future meeting and event space, Sonia offers the following planning considerations:

• Can wheelchair users and those who have audio or visual impairments easily get to and from the venue?
• Once they've arrived, can they smoothly transition between the indoor and outdoor event spaces?
• How far is the main event space from elevators and wheelchair-accessible restrooms?
• Are entranceways and restroom stalls wide enough to accommodate a wheelchair?
• Will sign language interpretation and closed captioning be available during sessions of your in-person or online event?
• Do the main session and breakout rooms have enough unobstructed, comfortable space at the front for wheelchair users or those who are visually or hearing impaired?

Celebrating Diversity

U.K.-based Mind Tools Coach, Sarah Harvey, shares an example of inclusive inclusivity in action. As a previous non-executive board member for a mental health and wellbeing charity based in London, Sarah reflects on her experience of working in a diverse and inclusive organization.

Their clients have a broad spectrum of complex mental and physical health needs, combined with different personal circumstances, educational backgrounds, and cultural diversity. And this broad range of diversity was reflected in the staff and volunteers.

Such contrasts could have been a recipe for clashes, conflict and chaos. Yet the inclusive inclusivity was clear to see in every conversation, every decision-making process, and every meeting, Sarah says.

Despite their differences, everyone was expected to show up and share all that made them their unique selves, while recognizing the importance of celebrating how other people showed up, too.

Inclusion in the Workplace

Inclusion is more than a set of policies or procedures. It's about our individual and collective experience of our work. It's about creating positive workplaces or environments where we can all influence, share our ideas and expertise, and have our unique perspectives valued.

Yolande sums up how we can all achieve inclusive inclusivity by asking the following question:

"It's important to me to respect your culture as well as my own. How can we accomplish that?"

To achieve inclusive inclusivity, it needs to sit at the heart of what we do, drive our thinking, and guide our behavior at all times.

In our Twitter poll, we asked our followers how they define inclusivity. The overwhelming majority voted that inclusivity is "When everybody belongs."

Exploring Inclusive Inclusivity

During Friday's #MTtalk Twitter chat, we discussed the importance of active mindfulness to ensure no one is excluded.  Here are all the questions we asked, and some of the best responses: 

Q1. What does "inclusivity" mean to you? 

@DreaVilleneuve It's more than creating a seat at the table, it's raising the voices of those who have joined. 

@Yolande_MT Inclusivity: to treat people in such a way that they don't feel they have to "earn" it to belong. Inclusivity isn't a tick-box exercise. It comes from the heart and it's all about how we treat people and how we include them from day to day. 

Q2. When have you felt most included at work, and what made the difference? 

@_GT_Coaching In the past, when values felt like they were aligned with others.  Now, I can personally choose to feel included based on how I create it. 

@PmTwee It makes [me] feel satisfied and thus more productive. 

@Dwyka_Consult I felt most accepted when my workplace supported me through a very tough time – even though I was only 50 percent there (mentally). Everybody understood and offered to help. 

Q3. What do organizations risk by not becoming more inclusive? 

@_GT_Coaching Lots, but one thing that really shows up for me is a lack of creativity.  

@DreaVilleneuve Inclusive environments bring diversity, diversity brings new ideas, different problem solving, alternate viewpoints. Without being inclusive, you risk growth potential and stagnation. 

Q4. What are possible barriers to creating a more inclusive workplace? 

@NWarind Nepotism; favouritism; bullying; perks and privileges to higher tiers but no trickledown effects. 

@_GT_Coaching People's personal filters and understanding of how a situation occurs for them. 

Q5. How can we distinguish between real inclusivity and token inclusivity? 

@DreaVilleneuve It's the "B" in DEIB [Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, Belonging]. Belonging. Real inclusion makes way for all people to feel as they are welcomed, valued, and important to the team/ organization. 

@PmTwee When you fail to see consistency, truth will out. 

Q6. What small things can anyone do to include others? 

@NWarind Be open-minded and consult. As all have intelligence, let them share and feel the burden of responsibility. 

@_GT_Coaching I can be mindful of how I am being plus recognize my own inauthenticity and biases. 

Q7. How can we include one person's values/ culture without ignoring or excluding someone else's/ our own? 

@MikeB_MT Including someone's culture shouldn't mean I have to exclude someone else's. It's that richness of seeking to include and understand all different perspectives and cultures that truly starts to build a culture of inclusiveness and belonging. 

@DreaVilleneuve By celebrating it all, by giving space to differences, by making changes they show that all are welcome. 

Q8. Does being inclusive mean accepting everything around you? Please explain. 

@Eve_odhis Yes and being able to say no politely and with a lot of love and respect for whatever you are disagreeing with. We are all different thus the beauty of diversity and power of inclusivity. We have to acknowledge our differences, accept them, and communicate them with love. 

@Dwyka_Consult No – and I've learned not to just "accept" my own thoughts. Sometimes, in certain situations, I must treat them with suspicion because they want to "steer" me to what's comfortable, not what's necessary. 

Q9. What does it mean to have an "inclusive mindset"? 

@ZalaB_MT "Inclusive mindset" means less judging and more listening, learning, searching; having a bend-able mindset (a term coined by @MikeB_MT) allows me curiosity and openness towards the unknown; empathy; and understanding that together we can be stronger. 

@Eve_odhis For me it means being true first to yourself then to the world by deliberately learning about others, their way of life and appreciating it. One thing I continue to learn is that, not knowing actually is a driver to exclusion. When you do not understand how and why, you'll tend to be blinded by your own biases. 

Q10. What action will you take to nurture an inclusive environment? 

@PmTwee Give a thought and practice mindfulness. 

@_GT_Coaching Engage in conversations about the subject to develop my understanding. For now, continue to be detached from my beliefs, which means I can accept the beliefs of others as being important to them. Continue to seek feedback on how I show up to others. 

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet Collection of this chat. 

Coming Up on #MTtalk

Responsible leaders work to ensure each team member has a place and feels included. Good parents guide their children in a similar way.

During our next chat we're going to talk about the changing perspectives of parenting and work. In our Twitter poll this week we'd like to know which parenting skills you utilize at work. 

Resource Links to Help You Prepare

(Note that you will need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the resources in full.)

Putting Your Parenting Skills to Work

Parents Who Lead

Can You Be a Good Leader and a Good Parent?

Combining Parenthood and Work

How to Juggle Caregiving Responsibilities and Work

The Life Career Rainbow

The post Inclusive Inclusivity – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

Being safe at work isn't confined to steel boots and safety helmets these days. How people feel is every bit as vital.

And organizations that create environments in which people feel "psychologically safe" will reap the rewards.

It's common sense that happier staff are more engaged, more productive – and stay longer. The evidence is all there.

Psychological Safety

Harvard Business School professor Dr Amy Edmondson coined the phrase "psychologically safe." (Look out for our exclusive Expert Interview with her later this year.) She defined it as, "a shared belief that the team is safe for interpersonal risk taking."

Put another way, safe workplaces are respectful, meaning that people are not afraid to voice their ideas or opinions.

Google's two-year study on team performance came up with the same results. It found that the highest-performing teams have one thing in common: psychological safety. Their members don't live in fear of punishment if they make a mistake.

Other recent studies confirm that moderate risk taking, speaking your mind, and "sticking your neck out" without fear of having it cut off, are just the types of behavior that lead to a competitive edge.

Top Tips for a "Safe" Environment

So, how do you help your colleagues to feel OK?

For @TheGoldPower1, it's a question that can be answered in a three-word tweet: "Start with RESPECT :)"

After that, life coach @ot_sheffield said that safety comes from "... encouraging ideas and being supportive, without taking away a colleague's sense of responsibility and feeling of self-worth."

Rafael Cortés Acostan summed it up like this: "Confidence, communication, open doors policies and clear expectations."

For flight attendant Rosane Duarte, it's important to think about passenger safety, but also about the safety of her colleagues. And she insists that helping everyone to feel safe is a collective responsibility.

She said, "By working as a team, together and not as individuals, we may have the opportunity to feel what colleagues are feeling, identify the fears and find solutions together."

One young manager in U.K. tech development is rooting his strategy in just such an approach.

He said, "The question is how do you give the team what they need to be able to succeed? A big part of that is to do with psychological safety in the workplace. That means focusing on creating an atmosphere where people can make mistakes and be able to treat them as learning experiences. Somewhere you won't just be told, 'You’ve done wrong.'

"What I say to my team is, the only time you really mess up is when you make a mistake and don't learn from it."

Safety by Democracy

He added, "It's quite a democratic approach. We vote on things. If we are changing systems or processes, we make a proposal and say, is everybody happy with that?

"If there is a 'no,' then it's discussed by the group. Giving people confidence to contribute can help refine a new approach. And if you've had a say, you're more engaged."

On Facebook, Connie Campbell Braly laid out her approach for helping people feel psychologically safe at work. She said, "I encourage them and reinforce the contributions they make as a team member."

Martina McGowan, MD, Chief Medical Officer at Heart City Health Center, Inc., told us on LinkedIn, "Listen first. Find out what the issue is, by their definition, not ours. Most people already know, or have within them, their preferred/desired solution/outcome to a situation, but have no one to share their ideas with."

On the same platform, HR & Coaching Professional Nicola McCall said, "I will ask if a colleague needs anything if I am aware there is a difficult situation happening. I listen to colleagues when they need to sound off or cry. I will ask questions about what they want to do next and how they can resolve the issue."

Thank you to everyone who shared their experiences and ideas.

Leaders Eat Last

A final thought from organizational and leadership guru Simon Sinek. In his bestseller, "Leaders Eat Last," he declares, "Only when we feel we are in a Circle of Safety will we pull together as a unified team, better able to survive and thrive regardless of the conditions outside."

(Premium Club members and Corporate users can find out more about Simon Sinek by reading our book insight on "Leaders Eat Last.")

The post Safety at Work - How Do You Help Your Team to Feel OK? appeared first on Mind Tools.

"Really big people are, above everything else, courteous, considerate and generous - not just to some people in some circumstances - but to everyone all the time." 

What Makes a Considerate Colleague?

Everybody has a different idea of what it means to be considerate. In my mind, consideration for others is the foundation of good manners. It means adjusting your actions and words in small ways to accommodate other people's needs and feelings.

When I was younger, I didn't understand why this was such a big issue. I always assumed that my mother was fussing about nothing when she reminded me to be more considerate.

But as I grew older, I realized that it's one of my most important values, and I'm grateful to my mother for teaching me to care about other people's feelings as much as my own.

While being considerate may not come naturally to some, it is a skill that can be honed and developed over time. Here are some simple steps you can take to become more considerate at work.

Start Small

Being considerate often involves doing something small for someone else. For example, making sure that there is a clean coffee cup for the next person, or helping your colleague to carry a large number of files. These small acts of kindness show that you don't only think of yourself, but that you're also mindful of others.

Share Your Space

When working in a shared office, consider that other people also need to feel comfortable in that space. Just because you don't mind leaving out dirty cutlery or trailing cables, that doesn't mean that your colleagues will feel the same.

Respect Other People's Time

Be considerate of other people's time. See to it that you're on time for work, meetings and social gatherings. And if something unforeseen happens, be sure to let people know, so that you don't keep them waiting.

By respecting other people's time, you show that you value them as much as yourself. Plus, they may feel more inclined to return the favor in the future!

Don't Be Afraid to Apologize

It's mature and thoughtful to apologize for your mistakes. If you said or did something that was uncalled for, say sorry. If you had your facts mixed up, say, "You're right, and thanks for correcting me," and learn from it. It's not a sign of weakness to admit when you're wrong, but rather a sign of inner strength and humility.

Be Polite

Having good manners and being polite means going out of your way to make other people feel at ease and respected. It may sound simple, but a well-placed "please" or "thank you" can go a long way, and will also boost your reputation.

Anticipate the Needs of Others

Spot opportunities to be helpful. Try to anticipate what someone is going to need next. For example, show a new colleague around the office, or offer them a drink. Learn to say, "How can I help you?" rather than, "Can I help you?"

Think Before You Speak/Act

Don't let your mood affect how you treat your peers. If you're having a bad day, don't suck them into it by being rude to them. Treat your colleagues with respect and thoughtfulness, even if you don't feel like doing so. It's the hallmark of emotional intelligence.

How to Be More Considerate at Work

During last Friday's #MTtalk we discussed how to be more considerate at work. Here are the questions we asked and some of the responses:

Q1. What's your definition of "being considerate"?

@SayItForwardNow To me, being considerate means interacting with everyone with an open heart, and with respect for who they are.

@iqurattariq Being considerate to me means respecting other person's boundaries and always evaluating your actions and their impact on others. Stepping on the I and moving toward We.

Q2. How can you demonstrate consideration?

@PmTwee It is as simple as you should treat others as you expect them to treat you.

@MicheleDD_MT Be kind and patient with people. Respect when they need "space" – emotionally and physically.

Q3. Is being considerate just about good manners, or is it more than that? Why?

@Jikster2009 Yes, I believe it is. Having good manners is an expectation (I know not everyone exhibits these, though). Being considerate is more about getting to the core of issues, realizing that actually, you might need to adapt your behavior to someone else entirely.

@imaginyst You can have the best manners in the world... and still be completely inconsiderate!  

Q4. In what ways might cultural difference redefine what considerate behavior looks like?

@ChaimShapiro For some religious folks, a handshake between a man and a woman is a serious issue.

@itstamaragt It comes down to educating ourselves on the cultural differences of others. The more we educate and understand, the easier it is to be considerate of these differences.  

Q5. In what ways might someone be "too" or "overly" considerate?

@Ganesh_Sabari When in the process of being considerate you lose your own identity.

@Midgie_MT Someone might be "too" considerate in that they rarely share or speak up for what they want and defer to the other person's ideas or suggestions.

Q6. What does a lack of consideration look like?

@harrisonia Improperly managing your hygiene, especially in the workplace or crowded spaces, is inconsiderate.

@LoneDigiMarketr It's often easier to feel like someone is being inconsiderate than to be able to describe it. When we feel like our needs and wants aren't being respected or considered, then we feel like we are out of consideration.

Q7. How would you deal with someone who is not being considerate in the workplace?

@Adaolasunmade Some people don't know they are being inconsiderate. Showing them how to be considerate may help.

@chiunya_tendai Sometimes it requires opening up to the person and expressing how you view their conduct. It assists them to improve in areas of concern.

Q8. How can you help others to become more considerate?

@BRAVOMedia1 Addressing a situation without "punishing" words but using thoughtful words that will hopefully lead them to awareness.

@JusChas Always educate when giving constructive criticism.

Q9. What could someone do to demonstrate that they are being considerate toward you?

@imaginyst So simple – doing what has been asked or agreed upon! Bringing up questions or concerns that may be stopping progression BEFORE the deadline. Self-evaluation would help too.

@SizweMoyo Make sure you throw your rubbish into the dustbin. If you can't find one, put it in your pocket until you find another one.  

Q10. Who will you demonstrate consideration toward this week/month, and how?

@BrainBlenderTec I'm always considerate. I still believe in being a gentleman even though it's a relic in today's world.

@Yolande_MT I will meet others where they are at and not expect them to be where I am.

Coming Up

One of the ways you can be more considerate at work is to support your colleague through a difficult time.

Next time on #MTtalk, we're going to talk about how to support an anxious or traumatized colleague. In our Twitter poll this week, we'd like to know what you find difficult when supporting an anxious or traumatized colleague. Cast your vote here.

Resources

In the meantime, here are some resources relating to the topic we discussed. (Note that all readers can access a few of these free each month, while our Premium Club members and Corporate users have unlimited or exclusive access to them all.)

Conflict Resolution

Managing an Aging Team

Health and Hygiene at Work

Communicating With Deaf or Hard-of-Hearing Colleagues

Good Manners in the Office

Humility

Five Ways to Deal With Rudeness in the Workplace

Gable's Four Responses to Good News

Cross-Cultural Business Etiquette

Transactional Analysis

How to Be Tactful

Perceptual Positions

How to Apologize

Avoiding Cross-Cultural Faux Pas: Clothes

The post How to Be More Considerate at Work – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

"We find comfort among those who agree with us; growth among those who don’t."

- Dr Marty Nemko, U.S. career coach

About This Week's Chat

A characteristic that I love seeing in other people is self-honesty. However, that places a responsibility on me to be self-honest, too. Otherwise, I compromise my integrity.

So, let me start with a confession: when I was young, I was culturally blind, and I struggled to see other people's behavior from the perspective of their culture.

In my mind, many types of behavior that were drilled into me as a youngster – from table manners to how to address people – were right. And anything else was wrong. Just that. Wrong.

Working With People

In later years, a significant life event or two caused me to start looking at people differently.

At the same time, I started working with students and adult learners from a melting pot of cultures. If I had insisted on imposing my own ideas of right or wrong on them, I wouldn't have lasted a month.

Instead, I learned how to ask good questions, to listen intently, to observe behavior, and to think about what the driving force behind their behavior could be. Here's what I learned: more often than not, there's a link between people's behavior and their culture and history.

I also had to learn that different cultures define "respect" in different ways, especially where behavior is concerned. In my culture, it is bad manners not to make eye contact with someone. However, some ethnic groups in my country regard direct eye contact from a young person to an older person as rude.

Imagine this in a conflict situation: one person shows respect by avoiding eye contact, as their culture dictates; the other person interprets the lack of eye contact as a lack of respect. There's fuel for the fire!

An Important Lesson in Culture

The most important lesson I had to learn was that I had to know my own culture very well. If you know your own culture inside out, you know why certain (unconscious) values are important to you. You also understand why you expect others to behave in a certain way in specific situations.

If you don't know that your expectations and values are driven by your culture and its behaviors and norms, you might not think about why others do what they do. Instead, you're likely to judge them, or try to teach them "manners."

I now lecture and facilitate group events to help others to learn about culture, diversity, values, and respect. I've also become very accepting of others doing things differently, and I've even adopted practices from other cultures. I've sure come a long way, but it's been worth every step!

Culture Clash: Respect and Conflict

Our topic for this week's #MTtalk Twitter chat is "Culture Clash: Respect and Conflict."

During last Friday's #MTtalk Twitter chat, Dr Dorrie Cooper, @sittingpretty61, used a great example to explain hidden cultural values.

She said, "One's work ethic might be different from another's slower pace with different values. Americans value the individual and working at the expense of other things. Other cultures believe family first and bring their children to the work setting."

Here are the questions we asked during our session, and some of the responses:

Q1. How does culture shape behavior?

@YEPBusiness Culture is the learned, frowned upon, permitted, encouraged, agreed upon and accommodated behaviour. Sub- and micro-cultures develop to accommodate where there is value to do so.

@SaifuRizvi Culture is a framework which pushes an individual to behave according to dos and don'ts written in the framework.

Q2. How would you define respect, based on what you learned from your culture of origin?

Many participants responded with tweets about listening to others, accepting different opinions and tolerating differences. However, a number of people also said they were taught to have good manners and respect their elders.

@JKatzaman We grew up learning respect by minding our manners and being nice to others.

@TheCraigKaye Respect is also culturally dependent. Language, for instance, in one area might be unacceptable in another.

@harrisonia Based on how I was raised, we were expected to respect, trust, and believe senior citizens, relatives and leaders because they were older. So thankful I outgrew that! Older doesn't make you wiser and youth doesn't mean you're unlearned.

Q3. We often learn values and beliefs that we aren't conscious about, through culture. How did you become aware of some of your unconscious cultural values?

@MicheleDD_MT Lessons learned while working in a college that worked with marginalized groups. Quickly learned about privilege and the impact our assumptions have on how we think about and behave with others who are not the same as we are.

@aarum101 Analyzing everything you are told, fortunately, and, although in my country there were almost no schools that followed the democratic system (even less in my time), I was educated at home under the precepts of this, so I never accept anything without analyzing it.

Q4. How do your unconscious values influence how you deal with conflict? What expectations do you have of other people?

Unconscious values might motivate us to defend certain points of view, without us knowing exactly why we do it. With that comes the expectation that the other party should act or react in a specific way. It creates plenty of room for misunderstandings to occur!

@Ganesh_Sabari Unconscious values play a major role in our instinctive behaviour; which gains significance in times of conflict as, generally, it is when emotions overpower reasoning. I expect nothing from anyone and take life as it comes.

@LadderHR Well, that's just it. Your unconscious values determine how you process conflict. Conflict occurs when there is a difference in values. My expectation for others would be that we will have a respectful discussion and come to an understanding of each other's POV.

Q5. When cultural differences occur at work, what effect does it have on employees?

@GenePetrovLMC It depends on if the leaders recognize it and do something about it. If they don't, they can expect some certain outcomes: disharmony; decline in effectiveness and efficiency; not being on the same path toward the same goals and vision; lack of trust.

@Midgie_MT Working in multi-cultural teams and with individuals from different cultures can have far reaching effects. One being timekeeping and their approaches to meetings. Another, their view of deadlines.

@itstamaragt It depends on how each individual handles cultural differences. In a good instance, it can lead to educating those who want to better understand someone else's culture. In bad instances, it can lead to ignorance and isolation.

Q6. What effect can constant cultural clashes have on an organization?

@WonderPix Clashes can lead to us versus them thinking, less collaboration, and more separation. But, they could be used to learn and bridge divides, too. Acceptance of differences is key.

@BrainBlenderTec It can demoralize and debilitate, as no-one wants to work in a battlefield.

Q7. When working with people from other cultures, which of the following would you regard as more important: to be aware of your own culture, or to learn from interacting?

@Yolande_MT Knowing my own culture well has helped me realise that the expression "it's logical" begs the question, "logical to whom?" What's logical to me and my culture, isn't logical to someone from another culture.

@bentleyu Both. It's important to reflect on our own views, biases, values, assumptions, communication, cultural frameworks etc. At the same time, we have to be proactive about learning from others, engaging with others, celebrating difference, challenging our stances.

Q8. How can you mediate between colleagues who clash because of cultural differences?

@Mphete_Kwetli Let anyone know its good to accept that appreciating other cultures won't let them lose their values, but broaden their knowledge more. Accept and appreciate.

@s_narmadhaa We need to point out that it's the differences that make a society whole. People who agree with each other all the time don't innovate or learn to solve problems. When we realise that our differences power our strength, we can try and alleviate clashes.

Q9. When culture clashes occur at work, what can leaders do? What steps can they take?

@B2the7 Leaders are key. They need to be supportive, they need to provide education/solutions and they need to not take sides.

@BRAVOMedia1 We step back, reflect and evaluate the situation and how we can obtain the best outcome under the circumstances.

Q10. What's your most important tip/takeaway about respect in the context of culture?

@TwinkleTutoring (From experience!) However open-minded you think you are, you can never know everything about every culture! Always be open and prepared to listen and learn more!

@MarkC_Avgi It's kinda gotta be that "all for one, one for all" golden rule type of mentality. Team. Cooperation. Collaboration. Respect. Common goal.

Thank you to everyone who took part in our discussion. To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat, here.

Coming Up

In some cultural contexts, people are taught that it's better to keep quiet if you aren't satisfied about something – especially if it's about an older person or someone with a more senior position. Next time on #MTtalk, we're going to discuss dissatisfaction and what people feel versus what they say. In our Twitter poll this week, we'd like to know when you're most likely to keep quiet about dissatisfaction. Please vote in our Twitter poll, here.

Resources

In the meantime, here are some resources relating to culture:

Cultural Intelligence

Cross-Culture Communication

Hofstede's Cultural Dimensions

Managing Your Boundaries

The Seven Dimensions of Culture

Avoiding Cross-Cultural Faux Pas

Avoiding Cross-Cultural Faux Pas: Clothes

Avoiding Cross-Cultural Faux Pas: Body Language

Religious Observance in the Workplace

How to Be a Good Role Model

What Are Cultural Fit and Cultural Add?

Managing Mutual Acceptance in Your Team

Five Ways to Deal With Rudeness in the Workplace

The post Culture Clash – Respect and Conflict – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

For example, not so many years ago, male managers would likely have expected to be addressed as "Mr.," while their team members might have accepted sexual harassment as a sad fact of life.

By contrast, today's managers try to inspire respect without the formalities, and their people expect equal consideration. That sounds like a walk in the park, but getting respect right for everyone is sometimes more like crossing a minefield.

Evidence of Respect

It helps to have a map showing the perils that lurk out of sight. And, we have that with “Excuse Me: The Survival Guide to Modern Business Etiquette," a new book by Rosanne Thomas.

When I spoke to Thomas for our Expert Interview podcast, I asked her to explain the link between respect and business etiquette.

"I look at respect as the foundation and I look at business etiquette as the mechanics," she replied. "We need to have the respect and then we actually need to evidence it. It's not enough for us to say, 'I'm a respectful person. I've got a good attitude.' We've got to evidence all of those things."

Little Things Matter

What does that evidence look like? According to Thomas, it's any number of little things. "For instance, are you looking up and smiling as someone approaches you down the hallway? Do you refer to them by name, if you happen to know their name?" says Thomas.

"Little things like holding a door open to make sure that the person behind you is able to come in, or cleaning up after meetings – tiny little things like this matter," she adds.

While respectful, those actions don't sound particularly modern. This suggests that "modern business etiquette" is not about throwing out the old rules in favor of the new ones.

Rather, it's about retaining traditional behaviors that still have a role in the modern workplace. And then, adding new protocols that reflect changes in society and their associated expectations. As I said earlier, a minefield.

The Golden and Platinum Rules

In her book, Thomas offers a helpful steer with her Platinum Rule. This is an updated version of the Golden Rule, which states that we should treat others as we would like to be treated. With the Platinum Rule, we treat others as they would like to be treated. And to find that out, we may need to ask them.

As an example, Thomas shares a recent experience. She saw a person in a wheelchair manually propelling himself up a hill. A passer-by came up from behind and started to push the wheelchair up the hill, saying, "Here, let me help you." The man in the wheelchair declined the help, saying that he would prefer to wheel himself.

"This is where the Golden Rule and the Platinum Rule are not the same," she points out. "We might prefer that someone help us if we happened to be in a wheelchair. But that is not necessarily the way in which the other person wants to be treated. So, we always need to ask."

Respect and Empathy

In the workplace, this means using empathy and respectfully worded, non-judgmental questions to discover people's preferences. How do they like their partners or spouses to be referred to? What’s their preferred mode and style of communication, which may differ according to age or role?

If we don't make a conscious effort to create a respectful workplace, we're risking a lot, Thomas warns, because a lack of respect can be pervasive and corrosive. "It affects morale," she says, "and productivity, and it might affect mental health, which could affect physical health."

"It certainly has an impact upon attendance and absenteeism, and it's contagious, in that one person's disrespect is contagious to other people. So, it's really a win-win if we have a respectful, inclusive, civil workplace. And it's lose-lose if we don't," she says.

With the Platinum Rule in mind, I ask Thomas what we should do if we feel we are being disrespected by someone at work. What's the best way to convey how we would prefer to be treated? In this clip from our Expert Interview podcast, she gives her advice:

Listen to the full 30-minute interview in the Mind Tools Club. ¦ Install Flash Player.

How do you show respect at work? Join the discussion below!

The post R.E.S.P.E.C.T. (Find Out What It Means to Me) appeared first on Mind Tools.